The Squid, the iPod and the Democrat -UPDATED WITH HIGH PRAISE!

Once there was a Democrat who believed with all her heart that the world should be a nice place. She wanted to live in a world where no one ever did anything bad and therefore no one ever experienced anything bad. A world where everyone would love one another and, just in case they didn't, a world where the government would be wise enough and kind enough and good enough and strong enough to make them love each other.

But because governments must inevitably be run by people, people who are likely to be as unwise and unkind and just plain icky as everyone else, people who are just as susceptible to greed and self-interest and corruption as those who elected them to thwart the greed and self-interest and corruption of those others who so desperately needed thwarting, it was decreed that all people elected to government would be instantly endowed with magical qualities of self-restraint, altruism, and moral imperturbability.

But the magic spell only worked on Democrats.

Everyone knew this. Everyone who was kind and decent and good and only wanted to love each other were Democrats.

It didn't work on Republicans.

They just made fun of everything. And they liked guns.

No matter how nice the Democrats were, no matter how tolerant or loving or generous, the Republicans were always angry, always trying to start a fight.

The Democrats did everything they could to get along with the Republicans, like burning the flag and marching in protests and sometimes breaking things, but only those things which belonged to nasty Republicans because then it wasn't unkind, it was instructive. Occasionally someone got carried away and tried to kill Republicans, but all the good Democrats insisted that they would not have done that if the Republicans weren't always so darned mean. And just to prove how mean the Republicans were, Republicans insisted that attempted murder was inexcusable and actually expected Democrats to get mad at the poor soul who just was trying to make a point.

But the Democrats never would because they knew that their higher moral ideals demanded understanding and sympathy for all those who struggled under the oppression of Republican bigotry. Getting angry at someone for trying to kill Republicans was narrow-minded and reactionary. However, the obvious over-reaction and anger from the Republicans at being murdered forced all good Democrats to be constantly aware of the inherent danger in the Republican viewpoint. A danger that could someday drive them to be violent. (Remember, they liked guns.)

So the good and kind and wise government put many, many Republicans on terrorist lists, just to be safe, not to be mean or anything.

So the world got nicer and nicer as the government got bigger and bigger and took care of more and more of the people, until one day the government said, "Hey, we're big enough now to give you LIFE! Or well....sort of."

And the good people, the Democrats, raised their arms and praised the heavens, knowing that their government was truly good, but the "sort of" part worried them a little. "What does that mean?" they asked.

"Well, it doesn't mean LIFE, exactly, it means more like we get to decide whether you live or die. And when."

"Oh," said the people, for this was a little less attractive than the whole giving LIFE idea.

"But don't worry!" the government assured them. "It won't cost you anything! And besides, the Republicans really WANT to kill you. In fact, if you've ever lost a job, it's because Republicans want you dead. We will only kill you if we have to."

"Yeah!" yelled all the Democrats. Because free is always good. And Republicans are always bad.

Then the nasty, mean, stingy, selfish stupid Republicans started asking questions and having "problems" with the idea of free stuff for everyone because they wanted people to die.

"How will we pay for this?" was the first stupid question and the Democrats knew they were just being selfish...and stupid....and selfish. And they were using math, which proved they had no hearts.

"The government will do it," they said over and over until they were blue in the face, but the Republicans never seemed to understand. The Republicans kept replying that the government was "us" and "we couldn't afford it" and stupid stuff like that.

Then the Republicans asked, "What if some of the choices you want to make regarding your health and this whole life and death thing are choices that I don't approve of? What then? Why should I be made to pay for what goes against my conscience?"

Then the good, kind Democrats knew that the Republicans were simply trying to be mean, mean, mean because everyone knows Republicans don't even HAVE a conscience.

"You just want to enslave women! This is a WAR ON WOMEN!!" the Democrats cried.

And the good, kind young Democrat girl heard the charges that the mean Republicans wanted to enslave her, to stop the government from helping her throughout her life with pretty much everything, and that they planned to throw her off a cliff when she became old, and she knew she would never vote for a Republican. She watched a slide show about another good, kind young Democrat named Julia, and she learned how wonderful and magical the world could be if only the Republicans would stop talking about conscience and money and stuff.

But if there was one place where the good, kind young Democrat believed that all decent people should agree, it was on the position of valuing life. Surely we could all find common ground on caring for others? she thought. Of course that didn't extend to a baby, let's just be clear on that. Everyone knew that denying women the right to decide with no restrictions at all when and why they would choose NOT to have a child, even if that choice was a trifle post-dated, was the same as enslavement and worse than the Taliban.

I am a baby. Aren't I a human being?

"Stay out of my body!" the young woman shouted righteously. "I have the right to do anything I wish. It's just a bunch of cells anyway!"

"So are you," replied the Republicans. "You're 'just a bunch of cells,' if you want to make that argument."

"You Republicans are religious nuts! You're anti-science! I'm not just a bunch of cells. I'm conscious. Awareness is the only marker of life's value!"

"And what is awareness? When does it begin? How do we measure it?" asked the mean, nasty Republicans. "Did you know squid like music? That they are 'aware' of it?"

"Shut up. I'm not a squid."

"No. We think they're nicer. And probably smarter."

Of course, Spongebob Squarepants was dancing with jelly fish years ago. He was a ground breaking scientist. And you thought I watched it because of the pictures and funny voices.

THE END (sort of...between Democrats and Republicans there's always more...)

I'v been linked at IMAO.US! Thanks, Harvey. You're a love.