Apparently, looks actually matter.

Yesterday I wrote about a recent study which put forward the extraordinary finding that when wives calmed down -- fercrissakes -- they had happier marriages. I hope I was able to offer a little insight into why this is so. 

Honestly, I was also hoping that we wouldn't immediately be gifted with any more highly significant studies from incredibly intelligent people whose Very Important Findings About Life were learned by the rest of us in junior high.

Give it a rest for awhile, could you, smart guys? 

But grant money doesn't just land in one's bank account, kittens. You have to think of something very important yet completely misunderstood by other pointy-headed pencil-biters to keep those sweet sweet dollars flowing. So, alas, a new study published in the "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology" presents us with yet another heaping pile of stupid so enormous that I feel -- once again -- obligated to sort things out for everyone.

Men With Attractive Wives Report Higher Levels Of Marital Satisfaction, New Study Finds

Pardon me for my momentary outburst but, "Are they f*&king kidding?"

Apparently they are not. The study was funded and conducted with a straight face by all involved.

Happy wife, happy life? Not anymore -- a new study suggests it’s an attractive wife that leads to a satisfying marriage.

In the study, which was recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, psychologist Andrea Meltzer tracked over 450 newlywed couples during the course of four years and posed the question: does a good-looking spouse lead to a more satisfying union?

What Meltzer and her team discovered was that spousal attractiveness does play a major role in marital satisfaction -- but only for men. In other words, men care about looks more than women do. (Emphasis mine, but only because you can't hear me laughing my head off.)

We needed a study to let us all in on the Secret of the Century -- men are more driven by physical looks than women.  Feel smart now? You needed to be told this. Researchers at major universities and in professional organizations thought you didn't already know this. You had to be told. And more than once, it turns out. UCLA conducted a similar study in 2008 and found the same thing. What are the odds?

A study conducted in 2008 at the Relationship Institute at UCLA reached a similar finding. Researchers theorized that men who felt they "lucked out" by marrying attractive wives were happier and more likely to care about their wives' needs -- and in turn, the good-looking wives were happier in the relationship as well.

“The husbands seemed to be basically more committed, more invested in pleasing their wives when they felt that they were getting a pretty good deal,” study author Benjamin Karney explained.

Get that? A good looking wife is "a pretty good deal." I suppose so, in the same way that a man who makes $400,000 per year is a "good catch." So we each have our motives. And everyone older than 12 has known this since forever. But we hadn't done a STUDY on it. So we didn't really know it.

Now we do.

Oh goody.

So a great deal more money than any of us will ever enjoy has been spent on a number of studies to tell us that men are happier when they are jumping good-looking women, as long as those good-looking women know when to just calm down and/or shut the hell up.

So put your mascara and lipstick on, sister, and start batting your eyes and stop flapping your lips.

We'll all be a lot happier.  I mean those of you who make it.

Fat Chick Cures Cancer...No One Cares

Or at least, Ace, over at Ace of Spades HQ doesn't. He's waiting for the "hot cure."

The Twitter feed on this is HILARIOUS!

HAHAHAHA!

Go. Now.

Understanding Women

It's Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

It's NEVER about the nail.

Pondering deep questions that are obvious to everyone but scientists looking for government grants.

Apparently there is "an obesity epidemic in this country that seems to be disproportionately affecting women of minority sexual orientation," which is a delicate way of saying most lesbians are overweight and scientists just can't figure out why. Of course, this pressing question must be delved into, regardless of budgetary issues or fiscal insolvency because...well...because. QUICK! Someone get these scientists some MONEY!

Three-quarters of lesbians in the U.S. are obese, according to details of a new study, which has been given a grant of $1.5million to find out why.

This needs to be studied why? Seriously? All of western civilization is rocketing over the cliff of fiscal insanity, and yet, the proclivity towards weight gain in women of minority sexual orientation is vitally important and must. be. studied. This is not like understanding the significance of the God Particle or deciphering the language found in our DNA. This is fretting over -- to the tune of $1.5 million dollars -- the reason why women who aren't interested in being attractive to men are disproportionately fat. Duh. Little secret....

When you aren't even interested in "the perfect guy,"
you can just dig in!

The research, which will also focus on why gay females have obesity issues and not gay males, is described as of 'high public-health significance'.

High public-health significance. To whom? Honestly, I think I should submit a proposal for a $2 million dollar study to learn why men watch porn. Pay me and I'll explain it all. There will be graphs. And charts. No pictures, though.

Men are significantly more visual than women. Therefore, now stay with me on this, kittens, either gender -- male or female -- interested in attracting visual males  -- will NECESSARILY be more concerned with looking attractive. This isn't hard, kittens.

Researchers said that there has been almost no work done on this social phenomenon.

No kidding. This is not a "phenomenon." Merriam-Webster defines phenomenon as:

c : a fact or event of scientific interest susceptible to scientific description and explanation 

Scientific interest? It is not even a curiosity. Here's another little fact that you can pay me for elucidating. Men are more motivated by the sex drive than women. Women are more interested in being emotionally connected to their partners. That's why  among homosexual men, being attractive and forming relationships around sex are primary motives. Among homosexual women, reading bad poetry and eating chocolate cake together are more engaging activities. This results in the infamous Lesbian Bed Death. Who can stay interested when your partner reads you this:

YOU 

I'd like to make a YOU turn
Onto the highway that leads to
You being with me.
And once I get on that highway
I'll never look for an off ramp,
But I will slow down for the construction
Of a lasting relationship.
And I'll pay the tolls.
As long as those tolls aren't you telling me that
You don't love me the way I love you.
You, you, you, you,
I love you, and without you,
My soul would wilt like a flower in winter.
Water me.
Water me or I will die.

Shut up! Shut UP or I will die.

I need to get funding to do a study studying studies. Someone has to compile the data on just how much money can be pissed away by stupid "scientific" studies funded by politically motivated committees. Yeah. I could do that.

If you're going to be stupid, you'd better be pretty

Actually, I agree with her.

Miss Iowa, on the legalization of marijuana:

Answers like that - and a pretty smile - can get you 4th place. Okay.

But where did Miss California end up, because this answer is positively brilliant.

That muddled response was overshadowed by Miss California, Leah Cecil whom responded to a pre-pageant question on ABC about her thoughts on euthanasia, “That’s a vaccine, right?”

That is right, sweetheart. It cures everything.

Of course, no post on the stupidity of beauty contestants is complete without revisiting that classic by Miss South Carolina:

I personally believe U.S. Americans are unable to do so because uuuh...some people out there in our nation don't have maps...but they have GUNS! So we're good. Somebody shoot something, will ya?

Smart AND fashion savvy. Judge, we have a winner!

Nip Tuck

I'll let everyone else criticize Susan Rice for being a lying sack with naked political ambition and slavish loyalty to the worst president in the history of this country. My observations are considerably less erudite and informed.

I can't help thinking that this....

Susan Rice as a college student.

...didn't just "mature" into this...

Susan Rice as a lying sack UN Ambassador.

I'm seeing some work done. Just my opinion. But this woman has seen "the knife."

I'm not even saying that's a bad thing. Consider Hillary Clinton. The years have not been kind.

Of course, Hillary needs to meet "the scissors" even more than "the knife." Good LORD! woman, who told you that when you hit 65 years of age that growing your hair long is a good idea?

Radical Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam.

I, personally, am terrified every time the "radical" church ladies leave a Watchtower pamphlet at my door. They are planning to kill me, I just know it.

What isn't funny is that people as stupid as Rosie O'Donnell have a platform like The View on which to spout such nonsense and the audience (stupid squared) applaud. You can almost feel their congratulatory self-righteousness. I wouldn't be surprised if they shared satisfied glances among themselves as they furiously clapped their approval of such hideous stupidity, thinking themselves so very, very clever and intelligent and tolerant.

But while they smack their little hands together in support of equating "radical" Christianity with radical Islam, there are real women who know the difference. Because it kills them.

Canada: Mother has throat slit to spine for wanting kids raised as Westerners

Throat slashed to her spine... 

Wife and mother Randjida Khairi wanted her children to be essentially raised like all the other children in her adopted nation of Canada. 

But for taking a stand contrary to her staunchly Islamic and Afghanistan-born husband, Peer Khairi, Randjida was found by Canadian police with her throat slashed wide-open, as well as her neck muscles, esophagus and voice box slashed open to the spine. 

Unable to raise her head or scream for help, the victim slowly suffocated in her own blood. 

According to testimony, "a process a pathologist would later determine took between five and 10 minutes."

Yes, kittens. Radical Christianity is as dangerous as radical Islam. Rosie O'Donnell said so.

Not on your life.

It's like being a Democrat!

It's Sunday and the sermon for today is, "How to Have Sex" by Andrew Klavan.

"What?" you ask with open-mouthed shock at the indelicacy of that title. "How can THAT be a Sunday sermon?"

Well, first because it happens to be Sunday and I want to post this. But second, and most important, sex is one of the most defining and important aspects of determining the shared moral values of society. So we all need a lecture about it once in a while. There are very few experiences in life that are virtually universal, that are as potentially powerful, and that have as many life-changing (both beginning and ending) consequences as sex. Try as we might, it is impossible to remove the moral component from sex. Can't be done. Sex is either moral or immoral; it is never neutral.

This video by Klavan was made three years ago, but it is more relevant now than ever. The recent Democratic National Convention put sex front and center with its WAR ON WOMEN campaign slogan. 30-something co-eds from prestigious universities pounded the podium and paraded before us all their right to have sex promiscuously and without consequence. Anything less constituted WAR!

But, as Mr. Klavan points out, there is no such thing as sex without consequence. To pretend  otherwise leaves people broken, damaged and destroyed -- it's like being a Democrat!

Because we haven't spent enough time worrying about Chris Matthews' sanity

It is Sunday morning and I believe we should all pray for Chris Matthews to be healed. Even better - let's just pray for him to shut up.

In watching this I am left to wonder if it is possible to script a more illustrative exchange of what crazy looks like (without a wink to the "broad" parody). Here we have an adoring, sycophantic commentator make the charming statement that one of the greatest womanizing misogynists of the current political landscape would know how to even f*&k Martians, if he landed on Mars. Even on Mars, kittens, Bill Clinton would know how to "do it with them. He would know how to reproduce." He's just that good.

For Democrats, this is humanizing. Screwing aliens.

How coyly amusing and utterly beguiling! Isn't that exactly what we want in a president? Someone who would "instinctively" know how to screw other life forms? Of course we do. If we were all as nuts as Chris Matthews. (For my part, I'm just relieved a Democrat might want to screw someone other than an American citizen for once.)

How much clearer can the contrast be between the Democratic party which embraces such a man of instinct and the Republicans who would refuse a woman her God-given state-sponsored right to screw that man right here on terra firma, saving him the trip to Mars? Who better to stand as a symbol against the Republicans' vicious and barbaric War on Women than a man who so supports a woman's right to choose "yes", that he never once allowed a woman to choose "no"? Because that would have been a blantant denial of her power and recognition as a woman. And Bill Clinton has always recognized women. When one considers that he even managed to find a way for Monica Lewinsky to express her feminine power before she received free birth control from the government, we can only admire his deep commitment to the rights of women.

Thank you, Mr. Matthews, for so eloquently reminding us all of Mr. Clinton's most impressive characteristic.

You crazy son of a bitch.

The Difference is Night and Day

And for you guys without your dog whistles, that title is straight up CODE! for racism. No doubt about it.

******************

Headline from the Huffington Post in 2008 when Michelle Obama gave her speech for the Democratic National Convention. (It was televised.)

Michelle Obama's Democratic Convention Speech

Compare that with today's headline regarding Ann Romney's speech for the Republican National Convention.

Ann Romney's RNC Speech Will Be Televised in Blantant Pursuit of the Women Vote

I don't know about you, but I get the sneaking suspicion that there is a blatant attempt to insinuate that anything the Romney campaign does is simply manipulative and devious. I could be wrong. It's just a guess.

However, one thing I do know for sure. The Obama camp has the "stupid woman vote" down solid. Packaged and delivered. Vote with your vaginas, darlings. It's all you've got.

Screenshot of headline by super smart and noted author, Brittney Bullock.
Bullock? I'm not even going to make that joke.

Blantant?  Really? Even a quick GOOGLE search would have prompted her with a "Hey, stupid, did you mean....?"

But apparently Ms. Bullock maintains the same high standards of journalistic excellence that the rest of the MSM does. She must have used Urban Dictionary for all her spelling needs.

Yo.

I don't suppose Merriam-Webster holds any fascination for her.

Just for edification purposes. I know that's racist.

I give up. I really honestly do. The left is becoming a caricature of itself. It doesn't even feel sporting to laugh at them anymore.

The Squid, the iPod and the Democrat -UPDATED WITH HIGH PRAISE!

Once there was a Democrat who believed with all her heart that the world should be a nice place. She wanted to live in a world where no one ever did anything bad and therefore no one ever experienced anything bad. A world where everyone would love one another and, just in case they didn't, a world where the government would be wise enough and kind enough and good enough and strong enough to make them love each other.

But because governments must inevitably be run by people, people who are likely to be as unwise and unkind and just plain icky as everyone else, people who are just as susceptible to greed and self-interest and corruption as those who elected them to thwart the greed and self-interest and corruption of those others who so desperately needed thwarting, it was decreed that all people elected to government would be instantly endowed with magical qualities of self-restraint, altruism, and moral imperturbability.

But the magic spell only worked on Democrats.

Everyone knew this. Everyone who was kind and decent and good and only wanted to love each other were Democrats.

It didn't work on Republicans.

They just made fun of everything. And they liked guns.

No matter how nice the Democrats were, no matter how tolerant or loving or generous, the Republicans were always angry, always trying to start a fight.

The Democrats did everything they could to get along with the Republicans, like burning the flag and marching in protests and sometimes breaking things, but only those things which belonged to nasty Republicans because then it wasn't unkind, it was instructive. Occasionally someone got carried away and tried to kill Republicans, but all the good Democrats insisted that they would not have done that if the Republicans weren't always so darned mean. And just to prove how mean the Republicans were, Republicans insisted that attempted murder was inexcusable and actually expected Democrats to get mad at the poor soul who just was trying to make a point.

But the Democrats never would because they knew that their higher moral ideals demanded understanding and sympathy for all those who struggled under the oppression of Republican bigotry. Getting angry at someone for trying to kill Republicans was narrow-minded and reactionary. However, the obvious over-reaction and anger from the Republicans at being murdered forced all good Democrats to be constantly aware of the inherent danger in the Republican viewpoint. A danger that could someday drive them to be violent. (Remember, they liked guns.)

So the good and kind and wise government put many, many Republicans on terrorist lists, just to be safe, not to be mean or anything.

So the world got nicer and nicer as the government got bigger and bigger and took care of more and more of the people, until one day the government said, "Hey, we're big enough now to give you LIFE! Or well....sort of."

And the good people, the Democrats, raised their arms and praised the heavens, knowing that their government was truly good, but the "sort of" part worried them a little. "What does that mean?" they asked.

"Well, it doesn't mean LIFE, exactly, it means more like we get to decide whether you live or die. And when."

"Oh," said the people, for this was a little less attractive than the whole giving LIFE idea.

"But don't worry!" the government assured them. "It won't cost you anything! And besides, the Republicans really WANT to kill you. In fact, if you've ever lost a job, it's because Republicans want you dead. We will only kill you if we have to."

"Yeah!" yelled all the Democrats. Because free is always good. And Republicans are always bad.

Then the nasty, mean, stingy, selfish stupid Republicans started asking questions and having "problems" with the idea of free stuff for everyone because they wanted people to die.

"How will we pay for this?" was the first stupid question and the Democrats knew they were just being selfish...and stupid....and selfish. And they were using math, which proved they had no hearts.

"The government will do it," they said over and over until they were blue in the face, but the Republicans never seemed to understand. The Republicans kept replying that the government was "us" and "we couldn't afford it" and stupid stuff like that.

Then the Republicans asked, "What if some of the choices you want to make regarding your health and this whole life and death thing are choices that I don't approve of? What then? Why should I be made to pay for what goes against my conscience?"

Then the good, kind Democrats knew that the Republicans were simply trying to be mean, mean, mean because everyone knows Republicans don't even HAVE a conscience.

"You just want to enslave women! This is a WAR ON WOMEN!!" the Democrats cried.

And the good, kind young Democrat girl heard the charges that the mean Republicans wanted to enslave her, to stop the government from helping her throughout her life with pretty much everything, and that they planned to throw her off a cliff when she became old, and she knew she would never vote for a Republican. She watched a slide show about another good, kind young Democrat named Julia, and she learned how wonderful and magical the world could be if only the Republicans would stop talking about conscience and money and stuff.

But if there was one place where the good, kind young Democrat believed that all decent people should agree, it was on the position of valuing life. Surely we could all find common ground on caring for others? she thought. Of course that didn't extend to a baby, let's just be clear on that. Everyone knew that denying women the right to decide with no restrictions at all when and why they would choose NOT to have a child, even if that choice was a trifle post-dated, was the same as enslavement and worse than the Taliban.

I am a baby. Aren't I a human being?

"Stay out of my body!" the young woman shouted righteously. "I have the right to do anything I wish. It's just a bunch of cells anyway!"

"So are you," replied the Republicans. "You're 'just a bunch of cells,' if you want to make that argument."

"You Republicans are religious nuts! You're anti-science! I'm not just a bunch of cells. I'm conscious. Awareness is the only marker of life's value!"

"And what is awareness? When does it begin? How do we measure it?" asked the mean, nasty Republicans. "Did you know squid like music? That they are 'aware' of it?"

"Shut up. I'm not a squid."

"No. We think they're nicer. And probably smarter."

Of course, Spongebob Squarepants was dancing with jelly fish years ago. He was a ground breaking scientist. And you thought I watched it because of the pictures and funny voices.

THE END (sort of...between Democrats and Republicans there's always more...)

I'v been linked at IMAO.US! Thanks, Harvey. You're a love.

Birth Control For EVERYONE!

Oh for God's sake, leave your damn clothes
on during the congressional hearings!

Today, August 1, Obamacare now requires that women's preventative healthcare be covered. 

Because it's not fair if any woman has to pay a DIME to f*&k around, even lovely and talented co-eds forking out over $40,000.00 for a year's tuition at Georgetown University.  I mean....come oooon! $40k is a lot of money. Did you also expect Miss Fluke to come up with any extra cash to pay for her own basic healthcare and entertainment needs? Are you kidding me?

Like many co-eds today, Miss Fluke enjoys a full and rich educational experience at one of our nation's finest universities, which encompasses more than just studies, and that costs money, kittens. From her own testimony, around $1,000.00 per year for healthcare/entertainment. That's some seriously FULL and RICH experience. But, as parents, we want our children to gain life experience at college, not just hit the books. Right? We want them to grow up and learn to be adults. Right? What better way than to have the government pick up all the costs of their playing house?

Riiiiiight.

Of course.

Here's the list of vitally necessary healthcare services now completely covered by the Obamacare mandate...errr...tax...aaahh...penalty...oh FFS...it's FREEEEE! And you worry about semantics? What are you, a conservative? Why do you care anyhow? You don't have sex. Shut up. Racist....I mean...misogynist. What the hell...you're undoubtedly both. Just shut up. We're all too busying f*&king around to listen to you anyway.

• Well-woman visits.
• Gestational diabetes screening that helps protect pregnant women from one of the most serious pregnancy-related diseases.
• Domestic and interpersonal violence screening and counseling.
• FDA-approved contraceptive methods, and contraceptive education and counseling.
• Breastfeeding support, supplies, and counseling.
• HPV DNA testing, for women 30 or older.
• Sexually transmitted infections counseling for sexually-active women.
• HIV screening and counseling for sexually-active women.

#7! In America women need help breastfeeding. Do they need help in Botswana? Seems a
little embarrassing that we need counseling, support and SUPPLIES in this country.

But it's all just wonderful! I mean, all this time I thought women were fighting for RESPECT and it turns out they were fighting to be sluts. Respectable sluts, mind you. That's progress for you. And they were fighting for their basic right to be taken care of by the government. That's progress, too. Because we all know that decisions that involve self-denial or personal accountability are UNFAIR and deny people their RIGHTS. So now women are FREE to act any way they damn well want and the rest of us are free to pay for it, because it's not a mandate...or a penalty...or a tax...oh shut UP! I'm getting really tired of your bitching about the Constitution and all that ancient nonsense written by a bunch of old dead white guys. What did they know about women's health? See? Can't answer that, can you? Go away.

Anyway, now that's it all free...pool party at my house! YEAH!

Respectable slut Barbies exercising their rights.

And for you gentleman who can't get laid, even by sluts, Obama hasn't forgotten you. You can find your healthcare needs at Home Depot.

There's an entire tool section there, too.

See? I can be reasonable.

This Should Be A Class

Forget "concealed carry."  This has to be the most effective deterrent known to man.

Sign up now! Registration ends soon!

First New Year's Resolution I've Ever Kept

Only 169 days left and I'm still going strong!

A Hundred Bucks You Can't Do That Again

For the record, it DOES say skysport.

Are You Positive You Want To Say That?

I think, to be absolutely SURE of one's safety, the best possible solution before anything is said would be to insure the woman is in her robe, eating chocolate, drinking red wine, and holding your paycheck. Even then, consider carefully if what you think is important enough to say is actually worth dying for.

Of course the exact opposite is true when women are fertile and looking for it. Then, a recent study shows, they want the 'bad boy'.  

"Previous research has shown in the week near ovulation women become attracted to sexy, rebellious and handsome men like George Clooney or James Bond," study researcher Kristina Durante, of The University of Texas at San Antonio, said in a statement. "But until now it was unclear why women would ever think it's wise to pursue long-term relationships with these kinds of men."

I'm going to go out on the limb of feminine intuition and disagree with the conclusions of the researchers on the reason behind this preference. They suggest it's because horny women are delusional.

No.

Horny women are horny. And they are drawn to dynamic, self-confident men who are making the moves that will get them in bed. Quickly.

Plain. And. Simple.

Science is easy.

Womanhood DENIED

Great new video spoofing Obama's War On Women.

"Thank you, from the Bureau of Womanhood Conformity."

The Essential Difference

From Townhall

POLLING UPDATE

Best tweet of the day.

BREAKING: Polls show Obama leading Romney in the pro-free contraception gay Catholic dog-eating helpless women illegal alien demographic.
— rob b (@rovibe71) May 11, 2012