Saturday, August 18, 2012

I'm Buying A New Car

Earlier today I had to drive my daughter up to town and back. So simple. Utterly straightforward. Wholly without drama or complications.

Except for the drama and the complications.

Before I go any further, in the interests of total disclosure, let me say that I am an aggressive driver. This does NOT mean I am a rude or unsafe driver. It means that driving is a sport, kittens. There are winners and losers. There is a scorecard. I'm keeping it.

And 90% of you? Losers.

Honestly, I do not know how most people make it through the day and survive. God truly does take care of children and fools, and stupid, retarded, inconsiderate, or just blissfully unaware drivers. In fact, I might have become an atheist if I had never learned to drive. But negotiating only seven miles on a highway among complete idjits, all of whom SURVIVE, can not fail to convince me that there is a God in heaven and He is merciful and plenty busy saving all these stupid people. No wonder the world is going to shit. God really does have His hands full.


Parked at the stop sign, I waited to turn left. The speed limit is 45mph, so it is important to determine that an oncoming driver is really going to turn before pulling out. I don't trust turn signals because I don't trust stupid people. I always wait until they have begun to clearly slow down and/or have pulled over slightly onto the shoulder of the road to indicate they are actually going to turn. Today as I sat at the stop sign looking left, a car approached. Several blocks away the turn signal began its friendly little blink-blink and the driver noticeably slowed down. To be even more helpful, the driver of this car pulled off onto the shoulder of the road. There was every indication that this driver was going to turn. This driver was clearly going to turn. You could safely bet money that this driver was going to turn. If you were unemployed and that $10.00 in your wallet was all you had to buy the baby milk, you would bet this driver was going to turn.

You would be wrong. And broke.

As the car approached, slowing....slowing....slowing down.....its turn signal blinking its cheery little orange light, the driver just kept passing one intersection after another without turning. She was simply driving very slowly along on the shoulder of the road, turn signal blinking. As I watched the car pass the last intersection before mine, I almost --- ALMOST --- pulled out because my intersection is the last one for nearly a mile into town. Having driven sloooooowly by three intersections, if she wasn't turning onto my road, she wasn't turning at all. For a moment, the utter stupidity of this driving behavior confused me and, like I said, I almost pulled out.

But I looked into the driver's seat as the car approached and recognized the driver. My foot froze in mid-air above the accelerator. The driver was a woman I'd met through the kids' school. I knew instantly that she was going to drive right by --  because she is just that stupid -- turn signal futilely blinking its intent to turn somewhere....but not here....and not anywhere NEAR here.

And drive by she did. Hands gripping the steering wheel, eyes glued to the road, she moved past me and down the street with all the speed and awful determination of a deadly glacier.

I swear my daughter and I sat in our car and laughed for 15 minutes before I could manage to pull it together enough to drive safely.

But stupid never takes a holiday.

Returning from town, there is a section of freeway where an on ramp is within yards -- and I do mean YARDS -- of an off ramp. Some really bright government appointee thought that was a spectacular idea, no doubt. Fully 100% of local drivers do not. Today, as I was approaching this section, I did as I always do -- pulled over into the passing lane to open the merge lane to cars desperately trying to either get on or off in 300 feet at 60 mph. Fun. Fun. Fun.

But the odds are not with you that this will happen smoothly when you factor in that 90% figure of god damned stupid drivers. So today there was a woman driving along in the merge lane who showed absolutely no cognitive ability as she sailed along through this particular driver's test. A car was trying to merge onto the freeway, but was unable to do so by sliding in easily behind her because another car had moved over into that lane to disembark at the exit. I was out of everyone's way in the passing lane, deliberately leaving an opening in front of me so that Retard Rita could just pull over and let in the poor guy struggling to merge without tangling bumpers with the guy trying to get off the freeway. Rita had no freaking clue. The guy trying to merge also had no room to blast in front of her because he was rapidly running out of road. So he decided that forceful friendliness was his only option. He simply moved up right next to her and hung there, hoping that she would figure it out and move over. Nada.

Finally, in a rather impressive last minute maneuver, the poor man slammed on his brakes as he ran completely out of road and swerved in behind her, the exiting driver having already made his escape leaving room behind Retard Rita. I am convinced she was never aware of a single moment of the agony she had caused.

Her bumper sticker said: PEACE IS POSSIBLE.

Not with stupid people like you in the world, Rita darling. Because I could easily have been driven to violence if I were that poor man now behind you.

And because the odds are good that it will be me next time, I'm buying a new car.

I should have the highways cleared very soon.


  1. Amen, sistah. AMEN! I attribute the retardedness always to a full moon. Unfortunately, that only happens once a month, therefore I'm a too kind person. What is wrong with people?
    Wait. We know that answer.

  2. Hahaha! Yes, stupid people are out there. Lurking. Waiting for that day when you let your guard down. Then they pounce.

    1. Just like that woman with the turn signal. She was gunning for me.

  3. 20 years of my working life was as a truckie. I could tell you stories that'd curl your hair. You're absolutely right - on the roads stupid never sleeps..

    1. My uncle was a long distance truck driver. Sort of a lonesome cowboy with an engine. He would tell us stories that would have us howling with tears running down our faces. But I do think those stories I heard as a kid made me a better driver when I grew up. I never for a moment thought that the drivers around me were trustworthy.

  4. Hahaha! Amen sister.

    Oh the horror stories I could tell about driving in Italy especially in the south. Except I don't actually drive, only the husband does, but still. I ride shotgun and even though he is an excellent driver, every moment is nonetheless filled with pure unholy teeth-gritted terror. Stop lights are mere suggestions, and we have become convinced that Italian cars are not equipped with turn signals and if they are, then Italians don't know it.

    I gotta give them credit, though: it all works somehow. They have some bizarre unspoken system and everyone obviously has excellent reflexes because somehow we never die.

    The turn-signal lady at the beginning of your post made me LOL by the way. You have to admire that kind of weapons-grade obliviousness.

    1. Like you, I have been driven in foreign countries and all I can say is, "HOLY SHIT!!!!" Been in Japan...Turkey...India...Hong Kong...all scary as hell to drive in.

      My theory is that one of the reasons America is so successful is that we are a people that, BECAUSE we are so individualistic, we can easily follow the rules. This appears at first blush to be contradictory, but here's my reasoning. Since we are all culturally indoctrinated early with strong self-reliance, we know that we are responsible for outcomes and that our behavior has consequences that will not only apply to us but that we can affect and change...good or bad. So we can all see immediately the benefits of organizing around rules that facilitate good outcomes. People in other countries who don't see themselves first as individuals, but perhaps see themselves more as Borgs (haha!), and so expect chaos like an anthill and don't get thrown by it. They've all given up just a little bit of themselves to the group and when everyone throws away a little of their brain, it adds up to WTF?

  5. My pet driving peeve are the ijits that sit behind the crosswalk lines in the left turn lane, refusing to pull up into the intersection. OMGoodness we were taught to pull up in driver's ed 45 years ago.

    You know that highway on/off ramp you're drawn looks very much like the exit immediately before the Bronco's stadium in Denver.

    1. HAHAHA! Don't worry. With my new car I will have those idjits cleared soon...

      No, it's not in Denver. It's a secret location.

  6. I am an aggressive driver. This does NOT mean I am a rude or unsafe driver. It means that driving is a sport, kittens. There are winners and losers. There is a scorecard. I'm keeping it.

    *snif!* You are my sister from another mister-- or something. Gawd I love this!

    1. We are kindred spirits. I bet we could give driving lessons! HAHA!