I'm Buying A New Car

Earlier today I had to drive my daughter up to town and back. So simple. Utterly straightforward. Wholly without drama or complications.

Except for the drama and the complications.

Before I go any further, in the interests of total disclosure, let me say that I am an aggressive driver. This does NOT mean I am a rude or unsafe driver. It means that driving is a sport, kittens. There are winners and losers. There is a scorecard. I'm keeping it.

And 90% of you? Losers.

Honestly, I do not know how most people make it through the day and survive. God truly does take care of children and fools, and stupid, retarded, inconsiderate, or just blissfully unaware drivers. In fact, I might have become an atheist if I had never learned to drive. But negotiating only seven miles on a highway among complete idjits, all of whom SURVIVE, can not fail to convince me that there is a God in heaven and He is merciful and plenty busy saving all these stupid people. No wonder the world is going to shit. God really does have His hands full.

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Parked at the stop sign, I waited to turn left. The speed limit is 45mph, so it is important to determine that an oncoming driver is really going to turn before pulling out. I don't trust turn signals because I don't trust stupid people. I always wait until they have begun to clearly slow down and/or have pulled over slightly onto the shoulder of the road to indicate they are actually going to turn. Today as I sat at the stop sign looking left, a car approached. Several blocks away the turn signal began its friendly little blink-blink and the driver noticeably slowed down. To be even more helpful, the driver of this car pulled off onto the shoulder of the road. There was every indication that this driver was going to turn. This driver was clearly going to turn. You could safely bet money that this driver was going to turn. If you were unemployed and that $10.00 in your wallet was all you had to buy the baby milk, you would bet this driver was going to turn.

You would be wrong. And broke.

As the car approached, slowing....slowing....slowing down.....its turn signal blinking its cheery little orange light, the driver just kept passing one intersection after another without turning. She was simply driving very slowly along on the shoulder of the road, turn signal blinking. As I watched the car pass the last intersection before mine, I almost --- ALMOST --- pulled out because my intersection is the last one for nearly a mile into town. Having driven sloooooowly by three intersections, if she wasn't turning onto my road, she wasn't turning at all. For a moment, the utter stupidity of this driving behavior confused me and, like I said, I almost pulled out.

But I looked into the driver's seat as the car approached and recognized the driver. My foot froze in mid-air above the accelerator. The driver was a woman I'd met through the kids' school. I knew instantly that she was going to drive right by --  because she is just that stupid -- turn signal futilely blinking its intent to turn somewhere....but not here....and not anywhere NEAR here.

And drive by she did. Hands gripping the steering wheel, eyes glued to the road, she moved past me and down the street with all the speed and awful determination of a deadly glacier.

I swear my daughter and I sat in our car and laughed for 15 minutes before I could manage to pull it together enough to drive safely.

But stupid never takes a holiday.

Returning from town, there is a section of freeway where an on ramp is within yards -- and I do mean YARDS -- of an off ramp. Some really bright government appointee thought that was a spectacular idea, no doubt. Fully 100% of local drivers do not. Today, as I was approaching this section, I did as I always do -- pulled over into the passing lane to open the merge lane to cars desperately trying to either get on or off in 300 feet at 60 mph. Fun. Fun. Fun.

But the odds are not with you that this will happen smoothly when you factor in that 90% figure of god damned stupid drivers. So today there was a woman driving along in the merge lane who showed absolutely no cognitive ability as she sailed along through this particular driver's test. A car was trying to merge onto the freeway, but was unable to do so by sliding in easily behind her because another car had moved over into that lane to disembark at the exit. I was out of everyone's way in the passing lane, deliberately leaving an opening in front of me so that Retard Rita could just pull over and let in the poor guy struggling to merge without tangling bumpers with the guy trying to get off the freeway. Rita had no freaking clue. The guy trying to merge also had no room to blast in front of her because he was rapidly running out of road. So he decided that forceful friendliness was his only option. He simply moved up right next to her and hung there, hoping that she would figure it out and move over. Nada.

Finally, in a rather impressive last minute maneuver, the poor man slammed on his brakes as he ran completely out of road and swerved in behind her, the exiting driver having already made his escape leaving room behind Retard Rita. I am convinced she was never aware of a single moment of the agony she had caused.

Her bumper sticker said: PEACE IS POSSIBLE.

Not with stupid people like you in the world, Rita darling. Because I could easily have been driven to violence if I were that poor man now behind you.

And because the odds are good that it will be me next time, I'm buying a new car.

I should have the highways cleared very soon.