Thursday, October 22, 2015

And I have been having a lot of them lately...

True Story

Trying to Make Sense of the GOP

I am throwing in the towel, kittens. The world of politics, at least from my conservative point of view, has gone completely bat shit crazy. First, we have the inexplicable love affair with Donald Trump, aka THE Donald. REALLY? REA-FUCKING-LLY?

After the megalomaniac we've enjoyed in the White House for the past seven years, are we really so eager to elect a man whose nickname is THE Donald?

 "I'm sorry? What was that again?"

Even Bill Murray showed some restraint and humility about using "THE".

I don't care HOW mad you are, electing a man whose nickname is THE anything is a terrible mistake. Complicate that with the facts that "The Donald" has been a Democrat his entire life, a crony capitalist, and an embarrassing loud mouth, and you are a complete and utter idiot to consider him as a viable conservative candidate.

Now we have our delightfully "robust" Republican-majority House acting like a bunch of snitty mean girls over Paul Ryan not being conservative ENOUGH!! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me???????

"The Donald" is conservative enough...but Paul Ryan isn't?

Excuse me while I flip out.

I have a headache and the room is spinning.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Best Tweet of the Day!

Here I am, playing both parts.

This is my life. I know...I know...

On any given day I am either the lead dog...or the poor dear pulling up the rear.

There is no middle ground with me.

I don't know what this means and I don't care.

Just saw this new WARNING from Google or Blogger or basically I don't give a shit who.

European Union laws require you to give European Union visitors information about cookies used on your blog. In many cases, these laws also require you to obtain consent.

As a courtesy, we have added a notice on your blog to explain Google's use of certain Blogger and Google cookies, including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies.

You are responsible for confirming this notice actually works for your blog, and that it displays. If you employ other cookies, for example by adding third party features, this notice may not work for you. Learn more about this notice and your responsibilities.

I don't know if I use cookies or not. I can barely post. I'm not going to learn or investigate or spend one tiny little second finding out.

Fuck off.

European laws. If I have any European visitors...get bent.

Bernie Sanders' Fiscal Policy

FREE STUFF! Yeah!!!!

But how do we pay for it?

It. Could. WORK!

But I think Bernie needs to use BOTH hands for it to work. Just my guess.

Best Halloween Scare EVER!

An Indian man who shocked hospital staff when he woke up on an autopsy table just before a post-mortem was about to begin has died, authorities said Wednesday.

Great joke, but you're not getting out of it that easily. They said you were dead, and you're going to do it. Quit putting it off!

And then there are the people who MIGHT have died, except for extraordinary and expensive medical care, but can't be bothered to change a fucking thing about their crappy diet once their life has been given back to them.

I don't get people.

I'm cranky today and my sense of humor is skewed to the bizarre. Maybe it is because of the Democratic debate last night. What a nightmare! Could someone PLEASE tell Bernie Sanders that he doesn't need to talk with BOTH FUCKING HANDS every time he gets the mic? God! I wanted to scream at him to stop waving his hands around wildly as if he was determined to fill up all the space. All those gyrations and punctuations with his hands did NOT make the weird little pervert seem bigger or smarter. There is absolutely nothing you can do to seem smarter when you are a crazy-looking old man spouting the same old socialist nonsense that has proven disastrous everywhere it has EVER been implemented. But -- FREE SHIT, FOLKS!!! Now that's a political promise that will always have them clapping for more, like seals for sardines. And then there was Hillary, with the pronounced (and might I suggest injected) cheeks, smiling constantly as she parroted every answer anyone else gave. "Yes, I would do that, too..." "I agree with..." "Me, too!" And if she wasn't trying to grab someone else's answer, she was inserting "I'll be the first woman president" in the oddest places. But I did have to hand it to her when she mentioned all her accomplishments. That took some balls.

Oh, and everything will be fabulous once we tax the living shit out of anyone who has more than the idiots at the bottom. And I use idiots in the nicest possible way.

So, it's all good.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Chickens, Churches, and Shave Ice

Well, Farm Boy and I made the annual trek to Hawaii recently and, being entirely without imagination, went to Kauai...again! However, we are already discussing visiting the Big Island next year...but because we're bored, not imaginative.

Kauai is gorgeous. Breathtaking. And we always enjoy it. How can you NOT enjoy being in Hawaii? But you reach a point where you feel like there is simply nothing left to discover. And you're right. At least nothing left to discover that is superficial, easy, and can be enjoyed in an afternoon with relatively little effort - which is what I'm looking for on vacation. I am not looking to establish life long relationships with people I happen across, nor am I looking to hike 14 hours to places where, once you're there, you are as isolated as if you were on the moon. No, thank you. Vacation, for me, is hiking, swimming, boogie boarding, sailing, and snorkeling, but all within easy access of Mai Tai's, grilled mahi mahi, and soft beds.

Which brings me to my annual complaint about Mai Tai's and Hawaii. My only explanation for the complete corruption of a VERY sophisticated cocktail is that Hawaii is all about tourists who expect fruit in every fucking thing they eat or drink, while the Mai Tai is an extremely complex drink invented in San Francisco by Victor J. Bergeron at his restaurant, Trader Vic's. Mai Tai's do. not. have. any. fruit. in. them. Let me repeat that. Mai Tai's do not have any fruit in them. No fruit. No fruit juice. Nothing! Not guava. Not pineapple. Nada! Zero! Zilch.

The perfect Mai Tai has rum, more rum, topped off with a little rum, some orgeat syrup, Cointreau, and a tablespoon of lime juice (okay! technically fruit juice, but it's tart, citrusy and not sweet at all, so work with me on this...)


If you want it sweeter, you can add rock candy syrup, but why ruin a great drink?? It should be shaken and served in a martini glass, with the last rum (dark!) floated over the top. It is the quintessential cocktail, combining all the elements of an elegant drink - it looks beautiful, it tastes divine and it is served in the most elegant glass of them all. What you get in Hawaii has umbrellas, fruit, hurricane glasses and just UGH!!! It's not that the rum drinks served aren't tasty. It's that they are childish and remind me of the shit we drank in college that had to be sickeningly sweet for us young'uns to get down. I always find it amusing that the entire time I am in Hawaii, where Mai Tai's are on every menu, I am wistfully thinking of when I get home and get make an ACTUAL Mai Tai.

But Kauai is the Hawaiian experience. For anyone who has never visited Hawaii and just has pictures in their minds, Kauai is what you are picturing, other than Waikiki. Kauai is the island that is lush and floral and riotously verdant, waterfalls screaming to the valley floors, and cliffs impassable and ancient. But, more than that, Kauai is the island of chickens, churches, and shave ice.

Everywhere you go on the island, there are wild chickens. Parks. Roadsides. Restaurants. Beaches. There are chicken everywhere. There are also roadside barbeque pits serving huli huli chicken, so I'm guessing their food costs are kinda low. And it's delicious!

After chickens, the most plentiful thing on Kauai are churches. Lots and lots of churches. One can accuse me of cynicism, but I'm guessing that every church pastor EVER lobbied to open a church in the outpost of Hawaii. You don't see the same number of churches on tropical islands where it is customary to eat foreigners. Nope. You see churches on every single block of Kauai. Saving souls. One paradise at a time. And lest you think I am exaggerating, there are 127 churches on Kauai. One hundred and twenty-seven on an island that is 552 square miles. And most of those are uninhabitable. Or undeveloped. 

And then there is shave ice, which I am not even going to get into because it is a fucking snow cone - no matter what you call it. And I don't care HOW you try to romanticize it because you are hot and it feels good to suck on ice -- you are still sucking on ice. For my money, ice cream is always the best choice. And Lappert's has amazing, incredible, phenomenal ice cream. Ice cream that makes you sit down. Ice cream that stops conversation. Luscious luscious ice cream. 

But any Hawaiian island, provided you're on the west side, has the most amazing sunsets. They're so good you wait all day for them. 

The view from our hotel room.

For loyal readers who suffered through my post on United Airlines and its crappy first class service, Hawaiian Airlines is incredible compared to United. Actually, there is no comparison. If you are going to Hawaii, fly Hawaiian. That is all I have to say about that.


Off Topic - But Still Vital Information

I'm a Taurus, and this couldn't be more true right now.

Addendum to My Last Post Because I Still Can't Believe Trump Hasn't Been Laughed Into Obscurity

Have We Lost Our Ever-Lovin' MINDS????

Okay, kittens, I take a LITTLE break from slapping the stupid out of people, and the conservative movement in this country seems to have jumped onboard the Trump Train like we're in India or some place.

What are you thinking???

This is stupid on so many levels I find it difficult to know where to start; should I slap you all silly, or just throw a throat punch?



Honest to GOD, kittens, this is so beyond ridiculous that it is hard to fathom.

This is a man who first and foremost, because I am nothing if not shallow, looks ridiculous. As far as I am concerned, if you are worth BILLIONS and you can't find someone to hire that can do a better job on your hair than that - I do. not. want. you. running. this. country. PERIOD!

Second, this is a man who has made those billions by being snuggly with politicians, using tax laws and bankruptcy laws to scam the system. He is everything we are supposed to hate about the corporate/government fascism that is destroying the free market in this country.

Third, if Trump has ANY political record as far as his philosophical leanings, it is as a Democrat. He supported Hillary in '08 and even gave money to her campaign. He pushes that aside now as if it means nothing, saying that he is a businessman and it was his job to be friendly with politicians. So how come he wasn't friendly with Romney or Bush or ANYONE on our side? Hmmmmm???? Because he's a fucking megalomaniac who apparently has tired of simply buying politicians and now wants to BE one.

Are you kidding me??

Then there is the bald-faced fact that Trump is both arrogant AND ignorant. Haven't we had enough of that with President Peevish? Trump knows next to nothing about foreign policy, and so let's elect him now, as the world is heading straight into the jaws of Hell. Great idea. Just swell.

I understand that the conservative electorate in this country is mad as hell and is tired of being lied to by politicians. So being lied to by a businessman is BETTER? Really? How?

I despair. We are supposed to be the grownups in the room. Let the Democrats support candidates purely because they tap into their angst and desires, caring not a whit as to whether they will be any good at the job. That's what Democrats DOOOO. They elect Prom Kings and poseurs who tell them nice things about themselves and scare them silly about mean, nasty, greedy Republicans. We are not supposed to do that! We are supposed to be the ones who look critically at a man's history, background, character, and experience. We are the JUDGMENTAL ones, goddamn it! And now, when it is so important to be judgmental, we seem to have lost the capacity to judge at all and are acting like adolescents having a temper tantrum.

I give up.

I have a headache.

If The Donald continues leading in the polls, this will be my new bumper sticker. I. swear. to. God.