Thursday, January 30, 2014

Reading is fundamental.

You gotta love Aussies. Quirky is putting it mildly.

Stay in school. You are going to need to be able to read.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The differences between regular people and horse people.

Here are a few.

There are lots more. Just the other day a girlfriend and I were laughing over the FACT that you aren't a real horsewoman until you've cleaned a stall or groomed a horse in an evening gown. And everyone knows that you'd rather have a new wheelbarrow and muck rack for your birthday than flowers. Dinner out means cold sandwiches eaten on your truck's tailgate at a horseshow more often than it does reservations at a nice restaurant.

And every single horsewoman I know would KILL for a good farrier. One who answers his messages, shows up on time, does a good job, and doesn't lame your horse. In fact, the proof of a true friendship is sharing his name. If he's really good, you don't tell anyone. Ever.

We are in good hands.

I found this on Facebook. The best part is that someone wrote in the comments:

"Kill me know!"

We are so doomed.

Offering comfort.

Edifying comfort.

A Synopsis

Monday, January 20, 2014

So, two lesbians go into a bakery....

This story begins like a bad joke. But it ends DELICIOUSLY!

And in case you didn't notice the website, it's Americans Against the Tea Party. (Why is the left always AGAINST things? They need to take anger management class.)

Virginia Bakery Leaves Homophobic Message on Lesbians’ Anniversary Cake

When Sarah, a Washington, D.C. resident, wanted to do something special for her significant other on their anniversary, she stopped by a bakery near her workplace in Arlington, VA. to order a cake with which to celebrate the event.
This is what she picked up days later. I think they nailed it. Particularly because Sarah expressly asked them to leave off the balloons. OOPSIE!

Adding insult to injury, the cake order was for carrot cake, the girlfriend's favorite. The bakery made it chocolate.

This is priceless. This is perfection. This is sweet, sweet, sweeeeeeeeeeeeet revenge.

When you have businesses closing their doors, or being hauled into court, for the crime of refusing to participate -- WITH BEAMING SMILES ON THEIR FACES -- in the celebration of homosexual behavior, then this response to the insanity is sheer brilliance. Genius.

Bake the cake. Make it awful. Apologize and give them back their money. How can someone sue a bakery for being poorly managed? They took the order. They didn't refuse their business. Things just didn't turn out that well. They got the order wrong. Oh well...

"What difference, at this point, does it make?" (I just threw that in there!)

Besides, these were lesbians. Couldn't they just bake their own cake? Or is that question sexist as well as being homophobic.

Wait...I don't care.

My kind of romance novel.

And you thought illegal aliens come from Mexico.

If one is even marginally cognizant of world politics there, indeed, must come a moment of blinding, piercing clarity as one realizes that the world is clinically, certifiably insane -- and that Iran is leading the charge. Not just its leaders, though they are nuts. Not just its religious ditwad imams determinedly racing us all to Armageddon, though they for DAMN sure are nuts. But the entire country. Is. Nuts. Lock. Stock. And barrel.

If this moment of clarity has not yet happened for you, let me be of some small service.

Iran Says 'Tall, White' Space Aliens Control America

Documents leaked by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden conclusively prove that the United States has been ruled by a race of tall, white space aliens who also assisted the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s.

These revelations about our alien overlords might not cost you any sleep. But the part that should concern you a tad is that the UFO story was just published by the Fars News Agency, the English-language news service of Iran, a nation that may be very close to acquiring nuclear weapons.

I am the first one to LOVE a good conspiracy story. I have always been fascinated with why people so willingly allow themselves the indulgence of believing in them. What is it about conspiracy stories that draw us in? Why are we so eager to suspend belief and go FULL RETARD at the first hint of secret governments, alien overlords, and chemtrail weather manipulation? Or fluoride, even.

To my mind there are plenty of provable reasons to be scared to death right now without having to believe in tall, white space aliens ruling America. But learning that Iran believes in them does make it all so much more deliciously crazy because it is so completely unnecessary. Just wanting to destroy everyone and everything (especially the JOOOOOOS! and America!) to call the 12th Imam from out of the well is plenty crazy enough. Tall, white space aliens ruling America is like adding whipped cream to your chocolate torte.

Overindulgent and insanely delicious! CRAZINESS! And served with a giant nuke! YUMMY!

But it gets better. Soooooo much better. Our first BLACK president is in cahoots with the Vogue models. And the forces which oppose him and his dastardly plans may themselves be allied with OTHER space aliens.

Oh, good LORD!

Meanwhile, the U.S. government is embroiled in a “cataclysmic” power struggle between President Obama, who heads the alien shadow government, and some unknown force that opposed the U.S.-alien alliance. “Most to be feared by Russian policy makers and authorities, this [FSB] report concludes, is if those opposing the ‘Tall White’ ‘secret regime’ ruled over by Obama have themselves aligned with another alien-extraterrestrial power themselves.”

So the first thing we must all admit is that the Tall Whites can't be racists. Good to know. I'm not putting up with any interplanetary racist bullshit. Even from the bad guys.

The second thing is that the good guys are no slouches either when it comes to treaties with space aliens. I see you a Tall White and I raise you a Short Black Dude who is getting REALLY angry. Be careful.

Of course we also have a former defense minister from Canada willing to admit UNDER OATH that, yup, the whole thing is totally true. Paul Hellyer claims that we are basically living in a Men In Black movie and those nuns you saw playing craps in Vegas were actually aliens. See? You KNEW it didn't seem right....

In my opinion these aliens can't be that intelligent if they thought a nun disguise was better than a prostitute disguise when in Vegas. Sheeesh!

I'm not impressed.

Friday, January 17, 2014

A Mother's Love

Elena Shumilova has the eye of an artist and the love of a mother.

Go here now.

There are 23 gorgeous images. It will start your day on the right foot.

I promise.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Hottest New Diet Trend

If you're desperate enough to consider getting dysentery to lose those stubborn holiday pounds, this diet sensation is for you. Sugar-free Gummi Bears.

These are not the innocent little creatures that I used to be so addicted to that I had flight attendants carry them back from Germany on the Braniff flights from Frankfurt to Boston. These are Little.Bears.From.The.Bowels.Of.Hell.

They are for sale at and the testimonials for their remarkable effectiveness at rapid, one could say uncontrollable,  weight loss are very convincing.

One reviewer weighs in:

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
He or she explains in great detail:

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.


I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

The amazing thing about this new diet is it seems to work for everyone. Numerous reviewers have written in to share their personal weight loss experiences and helpful hints.

I LOST 26 LBS ON THIS DIET! These bears cleaned out my system entirely. Watch out for hemorrhoids and don't consume with Indian cuisine.

 Another enthusiastic success story:

I nearly shat myself inside-out. Pretty sure I crapped out a kidney, or my spleen.. I definitely heard the distinctive "ching" of that penny I swallowed back in '82...and I can now fit back into the jeans I wore in high school... so not all bad, I suppose.
 One thoughtful reviewer reminds us to plan for the aftermath:
Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.
This reviewer can only be described as intrepid. Just kidding. He/She is stupid, too:
All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn't the brightest thing I've done (but it also wasn't the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I'll probably leave a suicide note.
Despite the experience of massive, catastrophic elimination, they contemplate polishing off the bag?

Lovely of this reviewer to give us all a head's up if we're going to fly on Delta. Ever.

Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle.
Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet
Enough said.
My advice..... Don't use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me - 7 years ago.

And here is a review after my own heart. Delightful idea. 
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. 

Honestly, as I was reading through the reviews, choking and gasping with laughter and a certain unkind delight in the tales of panic and disaster, I began to think this couldn't possibly be true and was simply an internet "piling on" sort of phenomenon where people are merely attempting to best each other in a creative writing assignment about the alimentary canal. But even the description of the product carries a warning:

In Stock.
Ships from and sold by TheOnlineCandyShop.
  • One 5-pound bag containing approximately 1080 pieces
  • Fat-free and sugar-free; sweetened with Lycasin
  • Five real fruit flavors
  • Jewel-like sparkling clear colors
  • An international favorite
  • This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess
 And then there's this:

Important Information

Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Deadly Science

No. I'm not referring to the global warming that is currently immobilizing the entire eastern United States in record-breaking freezing temperatures.

I am referring to this clumsy little bit of SCIENCE!

World's Oldest Animal, 507-Year-Old Clam, Discovered And Killed


At least he/she died in the name of SCIENCE! That's some comfort.

Anybody have some melted butter?

Sunday, January 5, 2014

When football is seriously serious.

And awesomely awesome.

You MUST view this full screen to get the full effect. It's truly memorable.