Thursday, November 21, 2013

Apparently, looks actually matter.

Yesterday I wrote about a recent study which put forward the extraordinary finding that when wives calmed down -- fercrissakes -- they had happier marriages. I hope I was able to offer a little insight into why this is so. 

Honestly, I was also hoping that we wouldn't immediately be gifted with any more highly significant studies from incredibly intelligent people whose Very Important Findings About Life were learned by the rest of us in junior high.

Give it a rest for awhile, could you, smart guys? 

But grant money doesn't just land in one's bank account, kittens. You have to think of something very important yet completely misunderstood by other pointy-headed pencil-biters to keep those sweet sweet dollars flowing. So, alas, a new study published in the "Journal of Personality and Social Psychology" presents us with yet another heaping pile of stupid so enormous that I feel -- once again -- obligated to sort things out for everyone.

Men With Attractive Wives Report Higher Levels Of Marital Satisfaction, New Study Finds

Pardon me for my momentary outburst but, "Are they f*&king kidding?"

Apparently they are not. The study was funded and conducted with a straight face by all involved.

Happy wife, happy life? Not anymore -- a new study suggests it’s an attractive wife that leads to a satisfying marriage.

In the study, which was recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, psychologist Andrea Meltzer tracked over 450 newlywed couples during the course of four years and posed the question: does a good-looking spouse lead to a more satisfying union?

What Meltzer and her team discovered was that spousal attractiveness does play a major role in marital satisfaction -- but only for men. In other words, men care about looks more than women do. (Emphasis mine, but only because you can't hear me laughing my head off.)
We needed a study to let us all in on the Secret of the Century -- men are more driven by physical looks than women.  Feel smart now? You needed to be told this. Researchers at major universities and in professional organizations thought you didn't already know this. You had to be told. And more than once, it turns out. UCLA conducted a similar study in 2008 and found the same thing. What are the odds?
A study conducted in 2008 at the Relationship Institute at UCLA reached a similar finding. Researchers theorized that men who felt they "lucked out" by marrying attractive wives were happier and more likely to care about their wives' needs -- and in turn, the good-looking wives were happier in the relationship as well.

“The husbands seemed to be basically more committed, more invested in pleasing their wives when they felt that they were getting a pretty good deal,” study author Benjamin Karney explained.
Get that? A good looking wife is "a pretty good deal." I suppose so, in the same way that a man who makes $400,000 per year is a "good catch." So we each have our motives. And everyone older than 12 has known this since forever. But we hadn't done a STUDY on it. So we didn't really know it.

Now we do.

Oh goody.

So a great deal more money than any of us will ever enjoy has been spent on a number of studies to tell us that men are happier when they are jumping good-looking women, as long as those good-looking women know when to just calm down and/or shut the hell up.

So put your mascara and lipstick on, sister, and start batting your eyes and stop flapping your lips.

We'll all be a lot happier.  I mean those of you who make it.


  1. You know nothing's really real until "experts say". Case in point: the first caption in the video here. "What the hell is that coming out of the ocean?! I don't know! Quck,find an expert!"

    Let's see them go beyond the trite and study this kind of stuff in gay relationships. Maybe they'll find something unexpected and interesting.

    1. I heard of the new island off Japan. And then there are the tornados and typhoons...Things are getting velly velly interesting...we just need a few huge earthquakes...

      End Times or BUST!

      I'm just thankful that I'll die knowing that men like good-looking women who know when to shut up. HHAHAHAA!

    2. Yay end times! Mega-volcano, asteroid, supernova, global thermonuclear war. Whatever the big guy's got in stock is fine with me.

  2. You know kids have a good answer to stupid.

    I remember when I was going to school mumble years ago, the kids had a joke that went: "What's the definition of an expert?" Answer: "X is an unknown quantity and a spurt is a drip under pressure" :P

  3. Okay. That's it. I have linked to you, and you get the final word on today's blogging. Good night.

    1. I'm all SORTS of wisdom. HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks!! I'm honored.

  4. Forgive me for not leaving a substantial comment, I am putting tape on my mouth before running out to the gym! Gotta make myself attractive...

  5. Yet, the songwriters tell us, "If you want to be happy the rest of your life, Take an ugly woman to be your wife..."
    I've also heard the perfect wife is a "deaf and dumb woman, whose father owns a liquor store".
    The "study" is full of Democrat propaganda of male bovine origin! Marital satisfaction comes from two people working together. If either of them decides to coast, the marriage will fail. In the area of the study quoted, I don't care if the female looks like a million bucks, if she has a personality like Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama, or Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, etc, the male will start looking elsewhere for his "marital satisfaction".