Home for the Holidays

As Christmas approaches and I contemplate a house filled with people, I realize that I have become quite comfortable with just my husband and myself, along with the cat, dog, and horse. It's entertainingly busy, but generally things stay neat and tidy. When everyone hits my front door, I am going to be a lot more like this poor dear soul. OOOOOH Lordy!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

HAHAHAHA!

This is all I've got to say about the recent bullshit covering every single blog, news report, TV show, and Facebook page.

I'm still laughing.

The extent of my delight in this stupid picture gives you a rough idea of the adolescent level of my sense of humor. But this is bloody brilliant!!!

I'm not only going to be laughing all day over this, I'm going to be SAYING it all day because it is SO MUCH BETTER when you say this out loud.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Apparently though is a five-letter word!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wait for it...

That little guy read the story about nice guys finishing last...and hungry!

The Hottest New Diet Trend

If you're desperate enough to consider getting dysentery to lose those stubborn holiday pounds, this diet sensation is for you. Sugar-free Gummi Bears.

These are not the innocent little creatures that I used to be so addicted to that I had flight attendants carry them back from Germany on the Braniff flights from Frankfurt to Boston. These are Little.Bears.From.The.Bowels.Of.Hell.

They are for sale at Amazon.com and the testimonials for their remarkable effectiveness at rapid, one could say uncontrollable,  weight loss are very convincing.

One reviewer weighs in:

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

He or she explains in great detail:

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

The amazing thing about this new diet is it seems to work for everyone. Numerous reviewers have written in to share their personal weight loss experiences and helpful hints.

I LOST 26 LBS ON THIS DIET! These bears cleaned out my system entirely. Watch out for hemorrhoids and don't consume with Indian cuisine.

 Another enthusiastic success story:

I nearly shat myself inside-out. Pretty sure I crapped out a kidney, or my spleen.. I definitely heard the distinctive "ching" of that penny I swallowed back in '82...and I can now fit back into the jeans I wore in high school... so not all bad, I suppose.

 
 One thoughtful reviewer reminds us to plan for the aftermath:

Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.

This reviewer can only be described as intrepid. Just kidding. He/She is stupid, too:

All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn't the brightest thing I've done (but it also wasn't the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I'll probably leave a suicide note.

Despite the experience of massive, catastrophic elimination, they contemplate polishing off the bag?

Lovely of this reviewer to give us all a head's up if we're going to fly on Delta. Ever.

Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle.
Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet
Enough said.
My advice..... Don't use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me - 7 years ago.

And here is a review after my own heart. Delightful idea. 

I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. 

Honestly, as I was reading through the reviews, choking and gasping with laughter and a certain unkind delight in the tales of panic and disaster, I began to think this couldn't possibly be true and was simply an internet "piling on" sort of phenomenon where people are merely attempting to best each other in a creative writing assignment about the alimentary canal. But even the description of the product carries a warning:

In Stock.

Ships from and sold by TheOnlineCandyShop.

• One 5-pound bag containing approximately 1080 pieces
• Fat-free and sugar-free; sweetened with Lycasin
• Five real fruit flavors
• Jewel-like sparkling clear colors
• An international favorite
• This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess

 And then there's this:

Important Information

Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.

Obviously not close friends.

This is why I don't take pictures of my recipes.

Because it's not easy to style and light and position food to look super yummy. Even Martha "As A Matter Of Fact I DO Know How To Make License Plates" Stewart proves this with her recent food tweets.

Hilarity ensues.  Also nausea.

Iceberg wedge with homemade Russian dressing. Perfect salad for the onion soup lunch pic.twitter.com/KQatWUKUdl
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 17, 2013

@MarthaStewart jesus christ martha
— Jonno E (@CiaraVEVO) November 17, 2013

@libraryyeti @Karnythia I know, right? "Martha your dog appears to have vomited on my wedge of lettuce."
— Invisible Cripple (@civilwarbore) November 18, 2013

Best slow cooked onion soup with baguette croutons and gruyere and Comte cheese melted on top. Garden onions pic.twitter.com/VNFkeiV3o3
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 17, 2013

@LouisatheLast @Karnythia That soup pic looks like a toilet bowl after an attack of intestinal flu.
— Invisible Cripple (@civilwarbore) November 18, 2013

The Madness of King Barry

Brought to you by the hilarious and irreverent Joe Dan Gorman of Intellectual Froglegs.

I have his videos on continuous loop in my Drinking Closet.  

I've read the list twice...

A good reason to pray.

Men Don't Go To Baby Showers

When a soldier in the army requested time off to attend his wife's baby shower, the request was denied, of course. Everyone knows "men don't go to baby showers."

Duh.

Men do MANLY stuff.

Ok, then. Request granted.

Excellent advice.

So often we struggle with life, wrestling it triumphantly to the ground only to have it redouble its efforts and throw us off the cliff. This lovely, funny, warm mother gives her daughter some excellent advice.

The main thing is just to try to be nice. You already are – so lovely I burst, darling – and so I want you to hang on to that and never let it go. Keep slowly turning it up, like a dimmer switch, whenever you can. Just resolve to shine, constantly and steadily, like a warm lamp in the corner, and people will want to move towards you in order to feel happy, and to read things more clearly. You will be bright and constant in a world of dark and flux, and this will save you the anxiety of other, ultimately less satisfying things like ‘being cool’, ‘being more successful than everyone else’ and ‘being very thin’.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from the movie "Harvey" when James Stewart is explaining the first rule of life. "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be - she always called me Elwood - In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

The fact that this rule of life completely eludes me is of no importance. It is still the first rule. But because the Rule of Nice consistently dances out of reach, my mouth always able to easily slip the bonds of good manners and deliver the direct hit before I even realize I've taken aim, this advice is especially pertinent to me.

Second, always remember that, nine times out of ten, you probably aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit. You’d be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse the two. Get a big biscuit tin.

I think I may just start drinking tea and eating biscuits. It might go a long way to keeping me out of trouble. Wine hasn't helped.

This is brilliant. Everyone memorize this.

Four: choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you’re in your best outfit when you’re with them, even though you’re just in a T-shirt. Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake through their hearts and run away.

 I am a fixer. I am constantly getting involved with people that - right up front - I know are complainers, whiners, disappointed in life, unhappy with themselves. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is rooted in the fact that generally I find life pretty easy to navigate and always believe I can just tell others how to do it and -- PRESTO! -- they will be happy. So far this hasn't worked. Ever. I'm going to start carrying stakes.
 
But this is the advice that is near and dear to my heart, because it is exactly what I have always said and always remind everyone every time.

This segues into the next tip: life divides into AMAZING ENJOYABLE TIMES and APPALLING EXPERIENCES THAT WILL MAKE FUTURE AMAZING ANECDOTES. However awful, you can get through any experience if you imagine yourself, in the future, telling your friends about it as they scream, with increasing disbelief, ‘NO! NO!’ Even when Jesus was on the cross, I bet He was thinking, ‘When I rise in three days, the disciples aren’t going to believe this when I tell them about it.’

The best experiences and the worst experiences are the ones we remember with the most emotional energy. They are the ones that most directly shape our lives and give us shared memories that create our history. There are the peak moments -- the weddings, the births, the graduations, the birthdays, the promotions. Enjoy them; celebrate them! But the god-awful catastrophes are just as meaningful, just as powerful in teaching us how to live life. The Thanksgiving when the oven door fell off with 12 guests arriving, the storm that blew out the power for seven days, the moments of embarrassment, disappointments, failures, and screw ups. These moments add meaning to our lives. If we let them. And we should. We allow them to add meaning to our lives by laughing at them...remembering incidences that were once horrifying with humor allows us to embrace our frailties and humanness, and the silly, impossible, messiness of life. People who struggle with depression are often those who can not find the humor in the awful moments; they cling desperately to the initial feelings of frustration or humiliation or disappointment, relieving them until they define how they view life.

Laugh at the mess. It's a better way.

Read it all, the way she wrote it. It's great.



 

They say there are early warning signs in serial killers.

A horse is a horse...of course...of course....

Unless it's an ass.

On CraigsList, we find horses who dearly need a good home, preferably with someone who only wants to feed and pet them. Working for a living is not part of the deal, apparently.

Miserable, cantankerous horse for sale - $1400 (New Haven) 

Meet Rotten Banana. My wife named him that before he was born 7 years ago, and for that reason I believe she is a true psychic medium.

Rotten Banana's father was a registered Paint we owned, who was a valiant sweetheart of a horse but was ugly as sin. His mother is an evil wench, but is built like a brick house and is afraid of nothing. We thought the breeding might give us a valiant sweetheart who was built like a brick house. Instead, we got.....Rotten Banana. (This reminds me of a joke.)

Banana has a lot of.....personality. He has great ground manners. He loves attention. He is probably the best horse I have ever seen about picking up his feet. My 6 year old daughter can lead him anywhere.

And that's where the good stuff ends, so....maybe stop reading here?

Still reading? Dammit.

Rotten Banana is very broke to ride and has hundreds of trail miles. Like his mom, he is afraid of nothing. He will go through brooks, mud, trees and not miss a step.

If he wants to.

If he doesn't want to, he won't do anything. Literally.

If you want to ride, he will just stand there. Whip and spur all you want, the best you will get is a half-hearted buck and a grunt. (The very reputable natural horsemanship trainer I paid $900 to work on this became as exasperated as i was.). If you want to put him on a trailer, and he doesn't want to get on it, he will go backwards. Quickly. If you want to put a bridle on him, he will actually point his nose to the sky like a timberwolf. When you are not looking, he will either steal the hat off your head with his teeth, or grab your shirt and give you a tug.

In short, he is an ass.

So, if you're looking for a project horse with lots of miles left in him- ta da! Here he is.
Someone with time could actually make a horse out of him. That person is not me.

 *********************************************

And here's another dearly loved family member needing a good home. One with pasture and carrots and apples and nary a saddle or bridle around.

POS AQHA Gelding Sorrel - $200 (St. Hedwig)

POS AQHA sorrel gelding-5 years old. Bronc stomper deluxe-rears, kicks, might bite. Has Alzheimer's-have to start all over each day. Husband got kicked in knee, struck in face, then had a heart attack. Wife mad and thinks horse might be a candidate for dog food can. Can catch and may load in stock trailer. No coggins as we like our vet too much to injure him. Got anything to trade?? Must sign disclaimer against possible injury. Horse is in round pen waiting for you COWBOY! This is not a joke or written to be funny.

852-9233 please text or email


HAHAHAHAHA!

Okay...the joke.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you just get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

On A Lighter Note

When all hope is lost and you're spiraling downward into the abyss of America's "fundamental transformation", my incredibly mature and intelligent response is to watch funny videos.

If anyone has a better idea, I'm all ears.

In the meantime, I'm watching things that make me laugh.

I know that people always make the argument that conservatives are dogs and liberals are cats because people like dogs and cats are assholes, but I think it is exactly the opposite.

Cats are conservatives.

They are intractably independent.
They never apologize for success.
They feel superior to dogs.
They don't need anyone to take care of them. They don't need anyone. Period.
They don't need a lot of rules. Hell, they don't follow them, anyway.
And they are always armed.

Dogs are liberals.

They are collectivists at heart.
They bark alot. Often for no reason.
They follow rules.
They are only really dangerous when traveling in packs.
They whine.
They are the original environmentalists as they are always eating cat poop. Which pretty much settles who is superior.

The End.

Say, "AAAAAAAHHH!"

Hoping this doesn't apply to one of my BFF's. Sorry, kitten, dental work is never fun.

My week.

Our office manager is on vacation (either that or she sneaked in that nail file again!) and so I have to work -- the entire week! On top of that, no one is here, which means that I don't even have to pretend that I'm doing anything. So this is the utterly retarded stuff I watch to keep myself busy.

They say necessity is the mother of invention. I say, WRONG! Boredom is the mother of invention. These guys prove it. You have to be pretty effing bored to do this.

The fact that my boredom results in a complete lack of accomplishments only makes me an outlier. Or, perhaps, I could point to this blog as an accomplishment.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Okay, that IS funny!

What day is it?

How to save a life.

This is a reasonable tactic when faced with the possibility of withstanding an assault of the stupid.

The life you save may be your own.

One more reason Idaho is AWESOME!