Marital advice for free.

Linked yesterday by numerous blogs around the internet was the story that if wives would just calm down faster things would be a whole lot more pleasant around the house.

Excuse me for making the obvious observation but, "DUH!"

I realize it is entirely futile, but I hope that this "research" wasn't paid for with tax dollars.

Of course it was.

Wives really ARE the glue that hold marriages together: Those who calm down quickly after arguments have the best relationships

• Happiest marriages are those where the wife cools off quickly after a row
• Researchers at Berkeley College, California monitored 156 couples
• Husband's emotional regulation has 'little bearing' on marital satisfaction

Let me elucidate the findings.

Marital happiness is based on the wife's emotional state, not the husband's. Why? Because it is the woman who is most likely monitoring the emotional state of a relationship at all. Men, bless their little hearts, are content with:

1. good food
2. good sex, and 
3. a good night's sleep. 

After that you can throw in football and a cold beer.

You've got yourself a happy, happy man.

Men are simple.

Women, however, are complicated. And so they make relationships complicated.

You're welcome.

Women are the ones in a relationship who are "looking for growth". This is basically a toxic statement to a guy, as the only "growth" they want her looking for relates back to one of the basic three needs listed above. The average man has no idea what emotional growth means and doesn't much care. He is ready to work hard, play hard, love hard, and fight hard, if need be. And he's ready to do all that on Day One. No additional growth needed.

Considering this, it is reasonable -- though politically incorrect -- to conclude that women are far more likely to be the ones who are ticked off about the status of their marriage. Women are far more likely to bring up a subject (or subjects!) that not only never occurred to their husband, but if it (they) had, he would have ignored it (them) completely.

To a man this is called emotional maturity.

To a woman it is called emotional immaturity.

Do you see how this little difference can be a big problem? They don't call it the Battle of the  Sexes for nothing, kittens.

So the "research" finds that the marriages in which the wife calms down quickly after an argument are the happiest. As I said before, "DUH!"  The man never wanted to fight in the first place, never understood the need for the fight throughout, and just wanted it to be over so he didn't miss the second half of the football game.

I jest. But only barely.

Here's the solution. No, you don't have to pay me for this advice.

Women will always be more interested in the "temperature" of a relationship, the nuances of words, the meaning behind every action. Deal with it, guys. It's how we're wired. But, to be fair, women, you need to understand that men brought the whole enchilada to the table when they asked you to marry them. It was simple for them and now you're just trying to make it complicated. If you MUST dig into the details (of which they are blissfully unaware), at least have the grace to do it quickly and then lose the attitude and go make him a sandwich.

And don't forget the cold beer.

He'll not only be happier, he might just listen next time.

However, I know very few women who will take my advice. I don't even take my advice. I am far more likely to act like this stupid bird. Although I have yet to do the sideways head thing. Might add it to the repertoire. It has a certain emphatic "take THAT!" quality that could come in handy. It would be fun, at any rate.

And to make matters worse, if the wife doesn't figure this whole thing out early on, things just get worse because this!