Mugging Maugham

The news lately has been filled with democracy-killing union-busting, horrifyingly out of control state budgets, and the deplorable quality of service the taxpayer receives for his hard-earned dollars. This is depressing and I think it's important to look on the bright side, if only once in awhile.

High school English teachers from across the country have submitted the best of the best from their creative writing students, highlighting the outstanding teaching they've done with their young charges. It's inspiring.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with a wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
6. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
7. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
8. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
9. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
10. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
11. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

Don't you feel better about how your money's being wasted spent, and the future of our nation? If my math is correct, these kids will be running things when I'm old, frail, and completely dependent on their education. Cheer's me right up.