And the one thing we all knew for certain was that George Bush was a liar.
Oh, and Sarah Palin is an idiot.
(That one is just for good measure.)
But Obama, the Lightworker, saved us from all that. He appeared to a frightened nation, head artistically and dramatically illuminated by an otherworldy light, to save us -- to pull an entire country back from the abyss. He was not like us, frightened and small, he was larger than life, master of the universe, healer of planets, eater of dogs, a few snakes, some insects, maybe even a TIGER! He could command the very oceans to recede. He promised us transparency, decency, fairness, freedom. Freedom from fear...freedom from want...freedom from restraint...freedom from reality! He swore to change course. He led us in chants. "YES WE CAN!" We cried. We raised our arms in supplication. We prayed---OOPS! Scratch that. Real prayer is for bitter clingers hugging their guns and cousins and reeling against the loss of the theocracy that Bush was supposed to have instituted---but you get my point. He was our Savior...if we could even HAVE a Savior since we don't believe in redemption and salvation, unless, of course it comes through the government, and for you stupid religious rubes, that's NOT a contradiction at all. He was sent from God, now that God was on the side of the Democrats and all decent people, be they secular humanists, atheists, agnostics, Marxists, or Black Liberation Theologists.
So we watched -- for nearly four years -- in rapt wonderment, seeking the fruits, the rewards of finally defeating that liar, Bush, and electing a truly honorable man to the White House, one who told us the truth and also promised to give us everything we ever desired -- no strings attached -- 'cause payback's a bitch. Surely our nation would be born again. Fundamentally transformed, that is. Surely goodness and mercy would follow us all the days of our lives...unless of course those damn Republicans ever regained the White House and tried to take our free shit away. Surely life would be worth living now that we had washed away our sins of racism and hatred by electing a man to the White House who promised to put gas in our cars and pay our mortgages for us.
So what the hell happened?
Could he have been lying?
I don't think he ate tiger, either.