Monday, January 20, 2014

And you thought illegal aliens come from Mexico.

If one is even marginally cognizant of world politics there, indeed, must come a moment of blinding, piercing clarity as one realizes that the world is clinically, certifiably insane -- and that Iran is leading the charge. Not just its leaders, though they are nuts. Not just its religious ditwad imams determinedly racing us all to Armageddon, though they for DAMN sure are nuts. But the entire country. Is. Nuts. Lock. Stock. And barrel.

If this moment of clarity has not yet happened for you, let me be of some small service.

Iran Says 'Tall, White' Space Aliens Control America

Documents leaked by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden conclusively prove that the United States has been ruled by a race of tall, white space aliens who also assisted the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s.

These revelations about our alien overlords might not cost you any sleep. But the part that should concern you a tad is that the UFO story was just published by the Fars News Agency, the English-language news service of Iran, a nation that may be very close to acquiring nuclear weapons.

I am the first one to LOVE a good conspiracy story. I have always been fascinated with why people so willingly allow themselves the indulgence of believing in them. What is it about conspiracy stories that draw us in? Why are we so eager to suspend belief and go FULL RETARD at the first hint of secret governments, alien overlords, and chemtrail weather manipulation? Or fluoride, even.

To my mind there are plenty of provable reasons to be scared to death right now without having to believe in tall, white space aliens ruling America. But learning that Iran believes in them does make it all so much more deliciously crazy because it is so completely unnecessary. Just wanting to destroy everyone and everything (especially the JOOOOOOS! and America!) to call the 12th Imam from out of the well is plenty crazy enough. Tall, white space aliens ruling America is like adding whipped cream to your chocolate torte.

Overindulgent and insanely delicious! CRAZINESS! And served with a giant nuke! YUMMY!

But it gets better. Soooooo much better. Our first BLACK president is in cahoots with the Vogue models. And the forces which oppose him and his dastardly plans may themselves be allied with OTHER space aliens.

Oh, good LORD!

Meanwhile, the U.S. government is embroiled in a “cataclysmic” power struggle between President Obama, who heads the alien shadow government, and some unknown force that opposed the U.S.-alien alliance. “Most to be feared by Russian policy makers and authorities, this [FSB] report concludes, is if those opposing the ‘Tall White’ ‘secret regime’ ruled over by Obama have themselves aligned with another alien-extraterrestrial power themselves.”

So the first thing we must all admit is that the Tall Whites can't be racists. Good to know. I'm not putting up with any interplanetary racist bullshit. Even from the bad guys.

The second thing is that the good guys are no slouches either when it comes to treaties with space aliens. I see you a Tall White and I raise you a Short Black Dude who is getting REALLY angry. Be careful.

Of course we also have a former defense minister from Canada willing to admit UNDER OATH that, yup, the whole thing is totally true. Paul Hellyer claims that we are basically living in a Men In Black movie and those nuns you saw playing craps in Vegas were actually aliens. See? You KNEW it didn't seem right....

In my opinion these aliens can't be that intelligent if they thought a nun disguise was better than a prostitute disguise when in Vegas. Sheeesh!

I'm not impressed.


  1. They've found us out. Well since they know now we might as well go ahead and drop the whole "secretly pulling strings from offstage" thing. So Iran, yes, it's all true, super advanced aliens run America. Behave yourselves. You don't really think that's a moon up there do you? We faked that whole moon landing thing for a reason you know.

    1. I Honest-To-God heard someone just the other day suggest -- SERIOUSLY WITH A STRAIGHT FACE -- that the moon was hollow!

      The internet is making all of us horrifyingly RETARDED!

    2. It gets worse. The idea is that the moon is hollow and just showed up 10,000 years ago or so. And it is the ALIEN'S SPACESHIP! So, George Lucas was RIGHT with that Death Star.

    3. Ack! You're joking right? TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING. I am not living on the same planet with supposedly educated people who actually believe that. Parody is a dead art then, it just can't be done any more.

      At least nobody thinks the sun is hollow. That's something anyway. Don't you dare Google that, I don't want to know.