I've had moments just like this...

One of the many reasons why I would not have been suited to a career that would have required I be in the public eye is that I am prone to just exactly the kind of attack which overtook this poor man. That, and swearing.

Wait for it...

That little guy read the story about nice guys finishing last...and hungry!

A Mother's Love

Elena Shumilova has the eye of an artist and the love of a mother.

Go here now.

There are 23 gorgeous images. It will start your day on the right foot.

I promise.

They say there are early warning signs in serial killers.

You decide.

Two little girls. Two giant voices. Same song. By the way, does every soprano in a talent contest sing "O mio babbino caro"? Just asking. And every SINGLE tenor sings "Nessun dorma" from Puccini's Turandot. Or it certainly seems that way.

So which one is your favorite?

Jackie Evancho, ten years old 

Amira Willighagen, nine years old

H/T: The Smallest Minority

On A Lighter Note

When all hope is lost and you're spiraling downward into the abyss of America's "fundamental transformation", my incredibly mature and intelligent response is to watch funny videos.

If anyone has a better idea, I'm all ears.

In the meantime, I'm watching things that make me laugh.

I know that people always make the argument that conservatives are dogs and liberals are cats because people like dogs and cats are assholes, but I think it is exactly the opposite.

Cats are conservatives.

They are intractably independent.
They never apologize for success.
They feel superior to dogs.
They don't need anyone to take care of them. They don't need anyone. Period.
They don't need a lot of rules. Hell, they don't follow them, anyway.
And they are always armed.

Dogs are liberals.

They are collectivists at heart.
They bark alot. Often for no reason.
They follow rules.
They are only really dangerous when traveling in packs.
They whine.
They are the original environmentalists as they are always eating cat poop. Which pretty much settles who is superior.

The End.

It's a boy.

The new prince is born!

Kate and William welcome a little boy.

It's early here, but I might toast the little tyke, just for fun.

When you've found your "look", stay with it.

A high school gym teacher accidentally wore the same snappy shirt and sweater vest combo two years in a row for his yearbook picture. His wife, apparently the real cutup in this marriage, suggested that he stay with the look forever, just for fun.

And fun it was.

Forty years of side-splitting hilarity.

This guy is a pro at working a joke. Not only did he not change his outfit, he did not change his eyeglasses, moustache, or expression.

Now that's impressive.

Nice, Mr. Irby.

Good dog.

Democrats Never Get the Irony.

Greg Gutfeld is always very funny and typically insightful, but he missed on this one. Apparently Democrats WILL use children as props to protest their right to kill them.

Behold the little darlings holding protest signs defending
their mother's right to kill them.

Ponder, for a moment, the raging insanity of having your child hold up a sign protesting a bill that would limit abortion past 20 weeks. This child is PROTESTING against setting limits on his mommy's right to KILL him indiscriminately. These women are showing their moral courage and outrage at the idea that requiring them to figure out whether they want a child or not within the first FIVE MONTHS of pregnancy is anti-women.

It's anti-stupid, that's for sure.

You've got to be an utter moron to not have made up your mind about whether you want the child or not before 20 weeks have passed. There are guideposts, kittens. Markers, if you will.

First Marker: You decide to have sex. If you REALLY don't want children, don't have sex. As my brother, the scientist, likes to say, "No exposure. No risk."

Second Marker: You decide to have unprotected sex. If you REALLY don't want children, and being celibate isn't your thing, then at least use proper birth control. Remember that? That was supposed to make abortions rare. 56 million dead babies rare.

Third Marker: You realize you've missed your period and, knowing you had sex, figure you'd better discover whether you're pregnant or not. You then make the decision as to whether you want the "unexpected" pregnancy. Remember, kittens, this bill does not in any way restrict abortions in the first trimester. If you're going to do it, get after it. Waiting won't make things better, honey.

Fourth Marker: The marker of STUPIDITY. There does seem to be a lot of stupid to go around here, kittens. Apparently there are vast numbers of women who need to be protected against the tyranny of others who feel they should be just a trifle smarter and make this decision a tad sooner, before the "clump of cells" is indisputably a baby - a baby that can feel pain.

*****************************

The best thing about being a liberal Democrat is that you can vociferously protest for your right to be stupid selfish, stupid indecisive, stupid irresponsible, stupid immature, stupid promiscuous, and stupid stupid. And do it feeling supremely smart. Go figure.

The next best thing about being a liberal Democrat is that you can protest for whatever you want according to your momentary impulse. Everything is "for the children", unless it's for women who want to kill the children, then it's anti-woman if you're still for the children. Get it?

But these are also the main reasons I'm not a liberal Democrat. The stupidity is exhausting, and I simply find it impossible to stay up to date on what I am for and what I'm against and why. It's all too tiring.

And it's getting really weird.

Predator mode - ON!

H/T: Cat Meme

Future Olympian

But instead she will probably just end up blowing up buildings and train stations in acts of terror. All the kids are doing that, you know. That's why the NSA must listen to EVERYONE. All the time.

For reals.

What a bunch of losers.

But this little girl is a WINNER!

Look at the concentration. And the pony's face! What a team!

They'll make great terrorists.

Did you get that, NSA? I'd suggest you start eavesdropping around the barn because all those little Pony Clubbers are DANGEROUS!!!!

The Power of Cute

Sometimes it is almost more than one can stand...certainly more than one can resist.

Just give in.

A Horseman's Guide.

What's up, Doc?

26 Reasons Kids Are Pretty Much Just Tiny Drunk Adults

Found over at BuzzFeed

Here are the best ones, IMHO. Feel free to weigh in with your favorites.

3. They conduct themselves poorly in public.

8. They have absolutely no coordination.

22. They draw on others' faces when they pass out.

25. Things go wrong around them for no apparent reason.

Number 8 and number 25 made me laugh hysterically for probably about 2 minutes straight because they reminded me of an incident that happened years ago when my kids were little. A friend of mine had twins the same age as my daughter and so they often played together. I'm sure these two little boys have since both grown up to be perfectly delightful and entirely normal young men, but at 2 they were both so clumsy and uncoordinated that they scared the living crap out of me whenever they came over.

Our home was a two-story and my daughter's room was at the top of the stairs. This meant that, no matter HOW I tried to anticipate and bring every possible toy or game downstairs for them to play with, there was always something or some reason that they felt necessitated they go up those stairs.

Which meant they had to come down the stairs.

While my daughter at two was like a little monkey and dashed around the house, racing up and down the stairs without a care, these two little Neanderthals would lug themselves up the stairs like it was Mount Everest and they were the only sherpas for an entire expedition, which -- while funny -- was not particularly dangerous. It was the descent that was horrifying. Every time.

As they seemed psychologically incapable of going anywhere without the other, they would always descend the staircase together. Within just the first few top steps, one would invariably hit the hall, bouncing off and into his brother, and the careening would begin like bumper cars in a narrow aisle. Rarely did either of them actually fall. They seemed to use each other to collide into as they rocketed down the steps, yet the possibility of tumbling was never more than one step away. Even at two, these boys were stout and built low to the ground; if I had tried to throw my body in the way to slow the avalanche, they would have just taken me out.

One evening their mom had stayed to chat and the kids had sneaked upstairs. I wasn't aware that they were upstairs until I looked from the dining room and saw Bill at the top of the stairs. Justin, the other twin, mysteriously wasn't with him. The absence of the necessary twin must have caused Bill to suffer from vertigo because he took a few steps, stopped, and began to sway as he stared down the staircase. I arose immediately and indicated to their mother that we needed to grab Bill from the stairs, but before anyone could react, he threw out his hands like a blind man looking for something solid, and then just did a full-length face plant down the stairs. He stuck so hard, he didn't even slide. He just lay there, face down, head and shoulders pointed down the stairs.

Even as the screaming started, it was perfectly obvious that he wasn't really hurt. But his  mother never really accepted that as my defense for laughing so hard.

We weren't really close after that.

Roger. Copy that.

This might be true or completely made up, and I don't care, it's still funny and I'm posting it. UPDATED WITH CITATION!!

Besides, you all knew this wasn't a legit news source, anyway. So, just for the record, I hardly ever verify something if it's funny. Funny goes right through all the gates and straight to the blog.

So...either Australians have a great sense of humor. Or someone else does at their expense. Either way, I'll bet any Australian reading this will laugh their head off.

Because it's funny.

And just to make it even funnier, here is a list of questions and answers which purportedly were pulled off an actual tourism website.

________________________________________________ 

Q: Does it ever get windy in  Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney  - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna  Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... 
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the  Vienna  Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

So, if you're planning a trip to Australia and want to see hippos or play with nice snakes or go for a long walk along railroad tracks, bring water and come naked. Also, human urine, used to protect you against Drop Bears, is decidedly easier to get than dinosaur urine which is also known for its protective qualities. It's been documented.

UPDATE 

Seems this is completely made up by a very funny writer named Zeke at FiveMinute.Net. When I received it in an email from a friend, I did some googling, but was unable to come up with a source for this. Luckily, I was contacted by Zeke at FiveMinute.Net and now you all can enjoy the rest of his very funny parodies. If you like science fiction, you'll especially love his stuff.

Hoppy Easter

You were expecting something serious?

How do you like my new hat?

I just picked it up the other day at the mall. The sales lady said it was the latest thing. I think it makes me look like Julie Newmar.