This might be true or completely made up, and I don't care, it's still funny and I'm posting it. UPDATED WITH CITATION!!

Besides, you all knew this wasn't a legit news source, anyway. So, just for the record, I hardly ever verify something if it's funny. Funny goes right through all the gates and straight to the blog.

So...either Australians have a great sense of humor. Or someone else does at their expense. Either way, I'll bet any Australian reading this will laugh their head off.

Because it's funny.

And just to make it even funnier, here is a list of questions and answers which purportedly were pulled off an actual tourism website.

________________________________________________ 

Q: Does it ever get windy in  Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney  - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna  Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... 
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the  Vienna  Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

So, if you're planning a trip to Australia and want to see hippos or play with nice snakes or go for a long walk along railroad tracks, bring water and come naked. Also, human urine, used to protect you against Drop Bears, is decidedly easier to get than dinosaur urine which is also known for its protective qualities. It's been documented.

UPDATE 

Seems this is completely made up by a very funny writer named Zeke at FiveMinute.Net. When I received it in an email from a friend, I did some googling, but was unable to come up with a source for this. Luckily, I was contacted by Zeke at FiveMinute.Net and now you all can enjoy the rest of his very funny parodies. If you like science fiction, you'll especially love his stuff.

Dinesh D'Souza and AMERICA

Giddy UP!

This is what keeps going through my head

"As you wish..."

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of "The Princess Bride". Written by William Goldman and directed by Rob Reiner, it has become a classic film, remaining as lovable and current as the day it opened a quarter of a century ago.

As You Wish: Little-Known Facts About The Princess Bride on Its 25th Anniversary

EMILY ASHER-PERRIN

But this is a hard film to appreciate properly in words. It is eminently quotable, but that doesn't explain why it's funny. It has all the action a fantasy film could ask for, but how that action manages to ride so easily alongside wit and whimsy is a thesis all its own. It's heartwarming without pandering to us, which is rare enough in a fairytale, but barely touches why we root for Buttercup and Westley to the very end.

Grandpa: [voiceover] Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
Buttercup: Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandpa: [voiceover] "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.
Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water - please.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandpa: [voiceover] That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Buttercup: Farm boy... fetch me that pitcher.
[It's right over her head, so he has to stand next to her]
Westley: As you wish.
[Cut to them kissing]
The Grandson: [interrupting] Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports?
[suspiciously]
The Grandson: Is this a kissing book?
Grandpa: Wait, just wait.
The Grandson: Well, when does it get good?
Grandpa: Keep your shirt on, and let me read.

President Present is Peeved

Apparently taking Obama's own words from his own books which, if we are to believe him, he wrote himself, and presenting them in a context that actually helps the American people understand his many inexplicable decisions and actions  "is nothing more than an insidious attempt to dishonestly smear the President by giving intellectual cover to the worst in subterranean conspiracy theories and false, partisan attacks.” (Emphasis mine.)

Right. Got it. The truth -- Obama's own truth in Obama's own words -- is now a conspiracy.  Stuff that up your Memory Hole, Mr. Smith.

Of course the White House attack didn't leave out those extremist Tea-bagging racist, one-toothed, slow-witted idjits who never vote Democrat, saying, "It should say enough about D’Souza’s credibility that a movie catering to the Tea Party attacks someone for allegedly ‘anti-colonial’ views.” 

Oh, slam!

As a Tea Partier myself, I would say that my president doesn't like me much. The Great Uniter, the man who was not like us, who was a gift from God come to heal our souls, has kind of a bitchy side to him, don't you think?

For D'Souza's part, he's having none of it.

“Their original strategy was to lie low and hope this goes away, but now they’re launching a full-scale attack,” D’Souza told The Hollywood Reporter on Tuesday. “And this is one of the most bizarre, clumsy and ineffective attacks I have seen in politics. Half of the stuff they talk about isn’t even in the film, like the Lockerbie bomber. These guys are referencing a Columbia Journalism Review article that’s two years old and is about my book, not about the film.”

One gets the feeling from the myriad attacks and smears that erupt out of the White House against anyone who dares question the actions of President Present that adolescents and pre-teens are working for Obama. Stupid kids. They never seem interested in even checking the accuracy of their attacks. It's as if they are simply relying instead on issuing talking points to the faithful, knowing they will race around the internet to gain validity simply through repetition. And spittle.

The truth isn't necessary when every argument dissolves into screaming accusations of racism and conspiracies.

So add anti-colonialism to the list of code words.

"Idiots...it's for you."

From noted Top Notch Commenter, RG. Thanks, man. You're awesome.

This is Less Than They Made Off The Popcorn at The Last Twilight Movie

"The Obama Effect" brings in a whopping $83,896.00.

I have nothing else to add.  I'm just gleefully giggling.  The only bad news here is that my Obama Commemorative Plate is probably not worth crap.

"The Obama Effect"

THANK YOU, CITIZENS UNITED!

This film so blatantly kisses Obama's perfectly creased pant leg and that it is almost p-o-r-n.





Pardon me for bringing this up, but didn't South Park already do an episode about a man who flips out over his insanely stupid love for Obama?

About Last Night...
Get More: SOUTH
PARKmore...

And then there was this memorable cameo appearance...




I don't think the idea for "The Obama Effect" is very original. It's been done before. In fact, it's been done to death.

"SCREW PETA"

Hello, Hollywood.  There's a new kid in town.

Pass the squirrel guts on PETA bread, please.The Hunger Games‘ mega-hottie and Oscar nominee Jennifer Lawrence is apparently as cool in real life as she is playing Katniss, a bowhunting super badass survivor girl in the blockbuster movie.

The 21-year-old beauty gutted a squirrel in the most talked about scene for her role in 2010’sWinter’s Bone, (for which she was nominated). The scene was not faked, she told Rolling Stone magazine: “I should say it wasn’t real, for PETA,” she said. “But screw PETA.”

 Looks like I'm going to have to like The Hunger Games, in spite of my squeamishness about it involving children.

THE ORIGINAL HUNGER GAMES

Things have changed since I was a kid.

MORE MAN THAN THE REST

And now there's going to be even MORE of him.  Will Ferrell returns for the sequel of possibly the funniest bad movie ever made.

Relive the hilarity.