Monday, April 1, 2013

This might be true or completely made up, and I don't care, it's still funny and I'm posting it. UPDATED WITH CITATION!!

Besides, you all knew this wasn't a legit news source, anyway. So, just for the record, I hardly ever verify something if it's funny. Funny goes right through all the gates and straight to the blog.

So...either Australians have a great sense of humor. Or someone else does at their expense. Either way, I'll bet any Australian reading this will laugh their head off.

Because it's funny.

And just to make it even funnier, here is a list of questions and answers which purportedly were pulled off an actual tourism website.
Q: Does it ever get windy in  Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney  - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in  Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in  Australia  ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna  Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... 
Oh, forget it.  Sure, the  Vienna  Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in  Australia  ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

So, if you're planning a trip to Australia and want to see hippos or play with nice snakes or go for a long walk along railroad tracks, bring water and come naked. Also, human urine, used to protect you against Drop Bears, is decidedly easier to get than dinosaur urine which is also known for its protective qualities. It's been documented.


Seems this is completely made up by a very funny writer named Zeke at FiveMinute.Net. When I received it in an email from a friend, I did some googling, but was unable to come up with a source for this. Luckily, I was contacted by Zeke at FiveMinute.Net and now you all can enjoy the rest of his very funny parodies. If you like science fiction, you'll especially love his stuff.


  1. How do you keep from falling off the Earth down there?

    How confusing is my not being named Bruce going to be?

    1. We'll just call you Bruce to keep it from being confusing.

      HAHAHAHAHA! I adored Monty Python. That was one of their best skits.

      Reminds me of this commercial about local dialects....

    2. Hahaha! Culture shock. :)

  2. Morris the AussieApril 1, 2013 at 8:35 PM


    That list is sooooooo Aussie.

    Nobody has to laugh at our expense, Buttercup, we do quite well on our own.

    1. Years and years ago a dear friend, Stan, was married to an Aussie lady, Judy. When it was time to leave, she would always say, "Well, time to hit the frog and toad."

      I used to laugh like a 12 year old.

    2. Judy was great fun and a great lady. FULL of it. Loved her.

  3. Here you go. Documented proof of the dangers of dropbears..



      Beware the Drop Bear!

  4. Another thought.

    I've always loved koalas ever since one of them peed on a politician - one John Brown who at the time was the Minister for Tourism. Even better, he was a leftist.. heh

    1. Animals have a way of reducing everything...and everyone to the most truthful place. No. Hiding.

  5. And since we're on the subject of Australia and on a roll..

    "Meanwhile in Australia"

    What a crackup!

    1. Superb! I find it particularly funny because, growing up in Idaho, I was faced with similar stupidity when I traveled ANYWHERE in the U.S. People actually asked me if we had running water or electricity. This was in the 70's, when I was a kid.

      The stupid! Why does it HURT????

  6. Replies
    1. Oops! I think you misunderstood my comment. I was just making a Wikipedia joke. In fact, I kinda stole it from, where there's a running joke of stating ludicrous "facts" with [citation needed] after them.

      So no, this list is not in any way my work (though I'd be proud of it if it were). I'm Canadian, not Australian. Glad you like my site, though!