Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Hottest New Diet Trend

If you're desperate enough to consider getting dysentery to lose those stubborn holiday pounds, this diet sensation is for you. Sugar-free Gummi Bears.

These are not the innocent little creatures that I used to be so addicted to that I had flight attendants carry them back from Germany on the Braniff flights from Frankfurt to Boston. These are Little.Bears.From.The.Bowels.Of.Hell.

They are for sale at and the testimonials for their remarkable effectiveness at rapid, one could say uncontrollable,  weight loss are very convincing.

One reviewer weighs in:

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
He or she explains in great detail:

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.


I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

The amazing thing about this new diet is it seems to work for everyone. Numerous reviewers have written in to share their personal weight loss experiences and helpful hints.

I LOST 26 LBS ON THIS DIET! These bears cleaned out my system entirely. Watch out for hemorrhoids and don't consume with Indian cuisine.

 Another enthusiastic success story:

I nearly shat myself inside-out. Pretty sure I crapped out a kidney, or my spleen.. I definitely heard the distinctive "ching" of that penny I swallowed back in '82...and I can now fit back into the jeans I wore in high school... so not all bad, I suppose.
 One thoughtful reviewer reminds us to plan for the aftermath:
Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.
This reviewer can only be described as intrepid. Just kidding. He/She is stupid, too:
All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn't the brightest thing I've done (but it also wasn't the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I'll probably leave a suicide note.
Despite the experience of massive, catastrophic elimination, they contemplate polishing off the bag?

Lovely of this reviewer to give us all a head's up if we're going to fly on Delta. Ever.

Ate a bag of these when I boarded a 6 hour flight to Seatttle.
Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet
Enough said.
My advice..... Don't use a bathroom on a Delta flight. That stench is from me - 7 years ago.

And here is a review after my own heart. Delightful idea. 
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. 

Honestly, as I was reading through the reviews, choking and gasping with laughter and a certain unkind delight in the tales of panic and disaster, I began to think this couldn't possibly be true and was simply an internet "piling on" sort of phenomenon where people are merely attempting to best each other in a creative writing assignment about the alimentary canal. But even the description of the product carries a warning:

In Stock.
Ships from and sold by TheOnlineCandyShop.
  • One 5-pound bag containing approximately 1080 pieces
  • Fat-free and sugar-free; sweetened with Lycasin
  • Five real fruit flavors
  • Jewel-like sparkling clear colors
  • An international favorite
  • This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess
 And then there's this:

Important Information

Safety Warning
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less. Made with Lycasin, a sugar alcohol. As with other sugar alcohols, people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs.


  1. Umm. Yeah. If you buy a sugarless candy with that warning on it, believe it. Not that particular candy or to that extent but there's definitely an effect.

  2. Dentyne uses sugar alcohols too, and although the recommended maximum daily amount is 10 pieces, I find that more than 4 has a similar although significantly milder effect. Shall we just say I don't need to worry about my roughage.

    If I were ever insane enough to try the gummi bear diet though, I believe I've seen the sugar free ones at my local WalMart. Though obviously not too many WalMart customers take advantage of their weight loss properties.

  3. I read those reviews back in October, and have a pretty good idea what I'm going to hand out to the little extortionists coming to my door next Halloween.

  4. @ RG: Duly noted.Actually, Library-Gryffon's info on Dentyne might just be the answer! HAHAHAHA! Couple of pieces of gum...nice and easy. No need to repaint the house.

    @Library-Gryffon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "not too many WalMart customers take advantage of their weight loss properties." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    @Ogrrre: Be generous. Hand out BIG bags!

  5. people sensitive to this substance may experience upset stomachs
    Apparently, ALL people are sensitive to this substance.

    Not to that cannonball effect, but I, too, can recommend a method for weight loss - tried on myself.
    Get a real nasty winter flu (or cold, or virus), with aftermath ear infection. So as the fluid in your ear makes outside sounds appear muffled as if underwater, but your own (like chewing or swallowing) - amplified to "n" degree. Nice side effect will be total loss of taste - since your sinuses are filled with fluid - so all food taste the same: craft paper.
    Works like a charm.

    1. Creaky! I shouldn't laugh, but I am! How miserable. Your story reminds me of the exchange in "The Devil Wears Prada" where Emily says, "One more bad case of stomach flu, and I'm at my goal weight."

  6. Top a lesbian cake with them.