Thursday, February 28, 2013

I love this kid.

This kid is awesome.

The universal cure for insomnia. I'm going to try it tonight.

I especially love the flat out abandon of the arms-over-the-head face plant. And when he sticks the landing, he holds it for a long moment for the judges. Points on style for that one.

When our daughter was small, she did not sleep. Ever.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. She would eventually sleep. What she NEVER did was fall asleep. She CRASHED asleep. Screaming, thrashing, wailing, shrieking her way to oblivion as if it were a fight to the death every single time. Naps. Evenings. Car rides. Rocking chairs. Being held. Being carried for walks. It. Did. Not. Matter. She fought sleep like she was fighting a lion. For the first four years of her life, she filled the house with the dulcet tones of banshee screams.  My husband and I often remarked (when we could hear each other over the screaming) that it was a damned good thing she had been born to fairly stable people. She could easily have been shaken to death and even the neighbors would have been delighted.

I'm not joking. One evening we had a knock at the door. It was the police. They had received a complaint about screaming. They needed to check. I said, "Be my guest. She's right up stairs," although that was obvious. The thrilling trills of the rising shrieks were pounding through the closed door at the top of the stairs.

Both officers exchanged glances, unsure of what they would see. I wanted to blurt out, "Oh go on. It can't be as bad as a traffic accident" but I wasn't sure this was a joking moment.

Up the stairs the female officer went and opened the door. I didn't accompany her but I can guarantee you what she saw. My adorable daughter, freshly bathed and looking positively like a baby Brooke Shields, standing in her crib, holding onto the side, and screaming her freaking head off.

The young officer came back down quickly and stopped to say, glancing sympathetically at the bourbon held in my hand, "I'm sorry."

I laughed. "It's okay. It's only every night and twice a day at nap time."

"O good Lord!" Both officers laughed nervously. By now it was obvious they simply wanted out of the reverberating house. It was hard not to put your hands over your ears and fall to the ground to curl up in a fetal position from the noise. I completely understood.

So when I see this little tyke dealing with insomnia with face plants into the covers, I kinda really like this kid. A lot.

He is just plain awesome.

My daughter. Doing a comedy routine. It is to laugh.


  1. My second kid was pretty much the same way, Buttercup. As soon as she woke up she'd start bawling her lungs out. Friends would not come by to visit. We could not hire a babysitter so we could get away from her. The only time she was not screaming when she was awake was when she was nursing. The day she started walking was the day she stopped her crying. She wasn't blonde, so it wasn't a case of not being able to walk and cry at the same time; she just stopped crying.

  2. Future Olympic diver there, or maybe a skydiver. :)

    1. Skydiver! HAHA! Reminds me of a conversation I had once with a guy who rode 3 Day with me and also skydived. He once was telling about a friend of his diving with him and casually mentioned that he wasn't very good.

      WAIT! What? How often do you manage go skydiving if you're no good at it?

      I laughed myself silly at that.

  3. Our daughter was delightful when awake, as long as she wasn't contained in anything or by anything AT ALL and as long as you didn't expect her to go do sleep. High chair? Screaming. Playpen? Screaming. Car seat? Screaming. Crib? Screaming.

    Fun times.

    And we didn't have guests over for four years. Babysitters were out of the question except for a few hours in the afternoon when she was up and could just cruise around the house and yard.

    And NO FUCKING CAR TRIPS. EVER! Or plane trips...nothing.

  4. Blimey, Buttercup, how did you remain sane??

    Oh, wait......... this might explain a thing or two..

    **ducks and runs for the hills**


    1. HAHAHAHAHA! Smack! I resemble that remark!