Friday, June 7, 2013

I will happily murder thousands for my own comfort.

Lantern of Death
I figure if the NSA is monitoring every single vapid, vacuous, stupid, innocent, banal email, phone conversation, web search, and probably even idle chatter between friends on street corners or in one's own home, it would be kind of me to give them something that might brighten their day. So I will endeavor, from this day forward, to title my posts with statements that might make them sit up in their chairs and turn off the porn.

Anywho...Behold! The Lantern of Death.

For years our backyard has been uninhabitable from around 4 o'clock in the afternoon until around 8 o'clock in the morning all summer long because of the swarms of mosquitoes. Even the most phlegmatic of visitors would eventually abandon the potential spiritual renewal of open space to run screaming for the house. And IF you were one of those rare fellows mosquitoes don't find particularly tasty to munch on, you still found yourself staring uncomfortably at others with bloodsuckers stuck all over them.

Everyone always ended up in the house.

And that was where the moths lived.

We live in a forest of oak trees, which means we have oak moths. Actually, we have every kind of moth possible, I think. And every single time a door would open, moths would fly in toward the light. I have spent every summer recovering DAILY from a bad case of the heebie jeebies due to moths in closets, cupboards, and crannies. AAAAAARRRGGGHH!

Kill. Everything. Now.

Daylilies, lavender and euphorbia
So, after far too long spent tolerating an intolerable situation, we decided to do something about it this summer. Unlike our typical response to a problem which is to wait until we are so pissed off that we then run out and just spend the most amount of money possible to fix it believing that MORE MONEY = SOMETHING THAT WORKS, we decided this time to do a little research. I know...right?

Amazingly, we discovered that a very inexpensive electric bug zapper would do the trick. We bought two and hung them in the front and the back of our home. It has been about a month and a half, and they are AWESOME! We have our yard back! It kills both mosquitoes and moths. I can't convey to you the level of sheer, unmitigated delight I feel knowing of the thousands dead and dying.

So now we sit out on the back patio and enjoy the solitude and serene quiet of the country. Well, except for the nearly constant sound of bugs succumbing to an electric volt that brings to mind the last moments of a murderer whom the governor neglected to pardon. 

It's like living in Dante's Comedy -- but I'm the proprietor -- and I don't give a shit.

Die, you little bastards.

Yeah, I'm an environmentalist.

A close up.


  1. One of the FEW things I like more about living in Europe (at least the parts I've lived in) is the almost total lack of mosquitoes and other insects. Maybe it's just because we live in the city, I don't know, but I haven't had a single mosquito bite in 4 1/2 years over here. I'll miss that. Not much else.

    Anyway, I'm gonna look into these devices you've mentioned when I get back to Texas and buy a house. I hate not being able to sit outside on lovely summer evenings. Die mosquitoes DIEEEE.

  2. Quality Redneck Entertainment: a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper. Hey! That ZZZZAP! as a bug dies is funny as hell!

    1. Yes. Cackling at the sounds and watching the little wisps of smoke curling upward into the evening air is delightful.

      Positively hellish and it suits me.

  3. Do bug zappers work inside on house flies? Ever since we got guinea pigs and a bad bunch of hay we've had these house fly/barn fly things and they just won't go away. Fly strips help but aren't very pretty.

    1. It would probably work if you could stand the zapping sound indoors, and they're not exactly decor either. Check restaurant supply places, I think they generally use a glue trap and attractant light. Some of them are designed to be fairly discreet.

    2. I don't know if flies would be attracted to this. I know butterflies aren't. It is a sort of ultra-violet light with an attractant in the bottom of the "cage" that brings them in.

      And it emits a fair amount of light. I wouldn't want it in my house.

    3. Well, we could always just turn it on when we're not around, and each zap sound means one less fly. (Insert Vincent Price-ish cackle here.) And at night, it would make a good kitchen/just outside the bathroom night light.