Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Adam Carolla is the coolest pirate ever. Part Two.

Evil but not-too-bright-sprite, Gavin Newsom
Our hero, Adam Carolla

In Part One we learned that our hero had an encounter with a nice-looking but evil and not-too-bright sprite from Never Never Judge Land. Our hero asked the evil sprite,  "Who is in charge?" since things in Never Never Judge Land are kind of crappy and all, despite the continued promises from the fairies and goblins and trolls that Lollipops and Candy Mountains are always just over the horizon. You know...FORWARD! and all that.

#1 Evil Guy promising the world.

The evil sprite said that the mess wasn't his fault because the magic spell to create the secret world of U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHH! and guarantee Happily-Ever-After had been mysteriously broken and no one knew how to put it together again. Just like Humpty Dumpty.  Breaking it, he explained, had been very, very complicated and involved many, many things that people like our hero could not understand so the sprites and fairies and goblins and trolls and ogres couldn't be blamed - no matter what - because they had spent a sh*t ton of Other People's Money trying to create U-TOE-PEE-AHHHH! to prove they really, really cared.

When our brave hero suggested that maybe the decided lack of Happily-Ever-After in Never Never Judge Land was precisely because of the monetary and social policies the sprite and his flunkies had promoted for decades, the evil and not-too-bright-sprite got huffy and said our hero was "over simplifying" things. Not-too-bright sprites never want you to realize that the solutions to problems are really quite straightforward and simple, otherwise you might understand that they aren't even trying to fix the problems. They are trying to get their magic wands to work so that they don't have to. 

But our hero pressed the issue and won the day! And the evil but not-too-bright sprite was left going, "But..but...but.." which isn't much of a magic spell and didn't work against our brave hero. 

Your stammering only makes me stronger.

Unfortunately many, many, many, many, many, many people were unhappy about this victory over the not-too-bright sprite because, if left to stand, it would force them all to admit that the spells and magic and fairy dust was a bunch of malarky and that the secret land of U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHH! which would guarantee Happily-Ever-After did not, in fact, exist. So the trolls in charge of the MSM (Making Sh*t Magic) pounced on our hero and said he was worse than the worst troll or ogre because, instead of just wanting to destroy people and eat their hearts out (while assuring them that you really cared), our hero wanted to make people FEEL BAD. And if you did that, then no one would EVER find U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHH! and Happily-Ever-After.

But just when all seemed lost for our hero because everyone was ganging up on him, he revealed that he had a pirate ship!! And off he sailed.


So now, in Part Two, we learn that after our hero sailed off into the sunset, shouting back his salty, piratey expletives to the not-too-bright sprite, he and his crew ran into The Giant Irish Guy who never lets anyone spin, which is a very good thing when you're in a ship. No one wants to run into one of these:

Our hero isn't worried because he always tells the truth.

So our hero explained to us all that you can't get to U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHH! and Happily-Ever-After if you never never judge anyone for anything, especially if you also reward them for doing stuff that will make them very, very UN-Happily-Ever-After. So Never Never Judge Land will never never create U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHH! and Happily-Ever-After no matter HOW much magic or money the sprites and fairies and goblins and trolls and ogres try to use.

Not. Ever.

Then our hero told us what really DOES make people happy. Besides good character, dedication, commitment to responsibilities and being accountable for your actions.

Hard Work.

Hard Work is powerful magic.

Now you know the secret to pirate magic. The evil but not-too-bright sprite and all his minions and all their political magic which gives them Other People's Money will never bring you U-TOE-PEE-AHHHHHH! and Happily-Ever-After. But it will bring you this:

Good luck with that, mateys.

As for me...Yo Ho! Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.


  1. Never Never Judge land. I like it. Hahahaha! Good stuff.

    The System stuff really stuck out to me in that Newsome interview. The system's somehow broken despite all the people who make it up being smart, caring, hard working, etc., etc. I think there must be some incompetents, grafters, and bastards in the mix somewhere. That's probably why they ran me out of Never Never Judge land.

    Pirate Service Announcement:
    Always remember, when you swing across with the knife between your teeth, keep the sharp side out.

  2. I am so in love with Carolla these days.

    He's brought up the Gavin Newsome/HuffPo thing several times over the last few weeks on his regular podcast and some of his others, with the Adam and Dr. Drew podcast, and every time he delivers a fresh rant and I LOVE IT.

    Never Never Judge Land - HAHAHA! Good stuff indeed.