Sunday, September 28, 2014

Warm Nuts

A quick perusal of my recent posts shows an inordinate preoccupation with big bombs and apocalyptic Fun Times. So, in the interest of diversity, this morning's rant will be superficial, shallow, meaningless and without any redeeming cultural value.

Warm Nuts.


That is simply the nicest thing I can say about United Airlines' first class service to Hawaii. They give you a cup of warm nuts. And to let you know that I don't just fly off the hook willy nilly, I felt the exact same way LAST YEAR when we flew to Kauai, and I exercised remarkable restraint in not blogging about the utter disappointment of the entire flight.

But  I can not contain myself any longer.

I realize this is a definite First World Gripe, and therefore expect to receive absolutely no sympathy, but unlike most others who might complain simply because their every precious little need was not seen to IMMEDIATELY, I am complaining because of how horrifyingly depressing flying has become...start to finish. And because every precious little need was not seen to IMMEDIATELY!

Gone are the days when flying was FUN! When you could even dash through the airport like a pre-slashing, pro football player, gleefully jumping over luggage and gate seating as you raced for your flight. Now, it is slow, methodical, monotonous, and just deeply disappointing.

Rise of the Machines. 


The computer kiosk greets you. Once upon a time, you checked in with a smiling agent. Now it's a computer kiosk. An agent won't even speak with you until you have dutifully punched the stupid screen with your confirmation number, bag totals, birth date of first born child, etc. Then the non-smiling, distracted agent weighs your luggage, checks your ID (that thing you don't need to participate in selecting the world's most powerful man), and waves past you to the next in line. Move on.

Of course, we all know by now that the next lovely experience in your flight will be the groping by the TSA agent. I refuse to go through their Radiation Ray Gun Machine, and besides, I find that there are entirely too many blue shirts just standing around doing nothing but wasting my tax dollars, so I always request that someone come over and do. their. damn. job. Which is to ensure that I am not carrying high powered explosives. Besides, it gives me the opportunity to have a discussion on the merits of Constitutional rights and the limits of federal power.

After that exciting interlude (if I shut my eyes and fantasize, it's almost worth the trip!) we are off to our gate to find our "lane" and line up under the correct sign, like the good little lemmings that we are.  Once boarded, I plunge into my seat, hand outstretched for that lovely, lovely cocktail -- and it is not there.

WTF?

And here I break into my "In My Day" rant.


In MY day, first class was an "experience." It was intended to be luxurious, not utilitarian; you weren't merely being transported somewhere when traveling first class, you were flying. And when you flew to Hawaii...well...all bets were off. You were greeted with a fresh flower lei, there was cheesy Hawaiian music playing, and the flight attendant had a drink in your hand as soon as your coat was off. Which he or she helped with and hung up for you. Now? There wasn't even a flight attendant in the cabin as the passengers boarded. They were both up front in the galley, probably warming their nuts. After we all stowed our carryons, found closet space to hang jackets, got into our seats...and waited...and waited...and waited...a flight attendant finally appeared with a tray of -- GOOD GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? -- water. Fucking water to sip as we waited on the tarmac for the rest of the flight to board.

I was holding it together. Still smiling. Mostly because my husband had a somewhat meaningful grip on my arm. Okaaaaaay! I'll be good.

In My Day dinner was served on white linen with linen napkins and china, crystal and silverware. Your tray was set for you and a flower placed on each place setting. Then you received your menu, printed on quality stationery with your various choices for appetizers, salads, and a main course. There was always a selection of meat, fish, or chicken.  Thankfully this was before the onslaught of the violent vegetarians. When your dinner was served, it was from a rolling cart, also draped in white linen. If you'd ordered chateaubriand, for example, it was carved for you at your seat. After dinner, the dessert menu was brought around, complete with a full selection of after dinner drinks. Lovely.

Shall I share with you what we were offered, kittens? Yes, of course I will.

Hoisin beef and vegetarian pasta. That's what they called the selections, anyway. In reality they were gelatinous mystery meat in brown sauce and Chef Boyardee. I ordered the pasta, because how can you screw up pasta? Well, there is one way, and they managed it. You don't cook it. Crunchy pasta with tasteless red sauce. I would have preferred ACTUAL Chef Boyardee. Then I could have stuck the soft, little round circles on my nose and had some fun.

There were chocolate chip cookies in paper baggies for dessert. Imagine my delight.

That was it. Other than the larger seats and the warm nuts we received in lieu of an appetizer, we arrived in Hawaii not one bit more indulged or spoiled than anyone else on the entire plane.

In My Day we were expected to meet your expectations...and we spent enormous money on raising them through advertising that promised a wonderful experience. You were treated as a special guest. Your comfort was a priority. Every possible detail was important to create an experience that left you feeling welcomed, refreshed, and even spoiled. Of course, I am perfectly aware of how seriously this idea has been degraded over the years, but I was holding out hope that on a vacation flight like San Francisco to Kauai, first class, there would still be a noticeable effort to offer something more than just a seat and a movie. Now, it seems, there is simply no amount of money that will get anyone to treat you as anything more than a warm body that is, frankly, cutting into their chat time in the galley. I don't suppose this is one of those rants that strikes a cord in anyone else, but having been a part of the industry when it was still vitally important that you made every flight a pleasant experience for everyone on board, and a LUXURIOUS experience for those few in first class, it just sucks that the loss of customer service as a true SERVICE has completely disappeared in flying.

I'm glad I worked for the airlines when I did. It was fun to treat people special. And people were sincerely appreciative of the effort. I don't imagine it would be much fun to hand out crappy beef in slimy sauce and cold, undercooked pasta and call it your best effort. I would be embarrassed.








25 comments:

  1. That photo must have been from Braniff's beige period. I only remember flying Braniff one time, I think I was about 6. Houston to Chicago, circle, circle, endless circling due to snow or storms. Then back to Dallas I think. Miserable trip, I remember my mom wasn't happy, getting into Dallas in the middle of the night with two little kids and having to find a place to stay overnight.

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  2. Understood. The vagaries of weather are always the thorn in the side of flying. I flew into Hong Kong once in a monsoon. To this day I have no idea why they let us land other than there was simply no where else to go. It was on Pan Am and that captain cowboyed us into Tai Kek on a hope and a prayer. Even the flight attendants were puking into "courtesy" bags. It was awful.

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    1. That was a long time ago. For me it was mostly just mind numbing boredom, it probably would have faded away by now but I think my mom being pissed fixed it my memory.

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    2. My husband thinks that flight sounds entirely too exciting.

      Years ago my father took the overnight ferry from Dublin to (Wales? Liverpool?). Come breakfast time all the little cafe offered was cereal. Apparently my father was the only person on board, including the crew, who wasn't either throwing up or thinking about it while sporting a fetching facial shade of green. He honestly doesn't know why they didn't cancel the sailing as the seas were awful from the moment they left the harbour, so it wasn't like an unexpected gale had suddenly developed.

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    3. I'm pretty good with air sickness and sea sickness, but I don't think I would have wanted to be on that ferry!

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  3. And yes, that picture from my era...but beige era when Halston designed the uniforms and even the luggage (Hartmann) was beige. But it was pretty. And they were extremely comfortable. Jersey knit.

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    1. JEEBUS! I might proof what I type just a little. wow....

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    2. Yeah, they're not unattractive outfits. It's just that the monotone beigeness of it struck me.

      You ought to stick a "Get off my tarmac!" in there somewhere. :)

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  4. I always sensed you are the real Glamor Girl! From romantic era, when stewardesses were trim goddesses, and pilots - poster idols in their crisp uniforms

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  5. United isn't the only crappy one now. America's answer to Aeroflot, U.S. Airways, and its new Sugar Daddy, American, have been downgrading business and first class travel for years. I simply won't fly coach anymore. After suffering all of the indignities at the airport, I refuse to get shoehorned into a 17"-wide piece of crap with 31" pitch with all the other cattle. Needless to say, I don't get to fly much. I'd rather drive, take a train or a tramp steamer. Oh, and fuck the
    TSA "front liners" and the rest of their unionized goons.

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    1. Lambert, I should have just posted your comment for my entire rant. Succinct, snarky, superb.

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  6. Things are not that much different here in Australia.

    Last time I flew it was such a bad experience I swore off using air freight (yeah I mean freight) for long distance travel any more.

    I refuse to be treated like cattle. Last time I went East I went by train - longer yeah but oh so much more relaxed.

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    1. Morris, if you're from WA, good on ya! The easterners are not my cup of tea.

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    2. Lambert, yes, I'm from Perth.

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    3. My brother works for Chevron and spends a month at a time out by Perth. He lives in Anchorage, but commutes. Poor devil spends a LOT of time on planes. He just puts on noise-cancelling headphones, brings his own food, and toughs it out.

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    4. TRAIN!!! That's what I want to do. I've never traveled far (overnight) on a train and it is bucket list item for me. Always when we travel, it seems we need to get there and back in a hurry, and trains do take longer. But that's the beauty of them. I still remember the train trip in "White Christmas". SOoooooooo romantic.

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  7. A week ago my sister flew to Italy (business trip) on Air France. She said it was the worst flight of her life - and she HAS been flew on Aeroflot since she was 7.

    Luggage lost (didn't leave departure point with the plane). A seat switched at check-in w/o her consent. Food was awful: she is a diabetic, and asked in advance for appropriate dinner; she was given lukewarm pasta(!) with cold marinara sauce and a "chemical' pastry with sugared filling - no salad, no protein, just the food she is forbidden to take! And that meal happened after 8hrs on the board; before that passengers were not given any food at all.

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    1. Soooo...international is not any better. YIKES! Pretty soon they will simply open up the cabin door and we'll all find that the interior is simply a cavernous, empty shell and we'll be instructed to just sit down on the floor wherever.

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    2. Fly Pixley Airlines, there's a small additional charge for a bench seat.

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    3. That was OUTSTANDING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  8. Completely agree about United: first class on United today is what coach was when I was a boy (40 years ago... ugh). But I've heard good things about Virgin. As it happens, two weeks from now I'm flying Virgin first class from San Francisco to Chicago. I'll let you know if it's any better.

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    1. Well, I know for a fact that first class internationally is still good, and on Virgin it is still great. Do let us all know if domestic is worth it. Won't really make a difference to me as we fly out of Sacramento and it always works out that everywhere we go for business is on Southwest, which pioneered the concept of crappy all-one cabin seating. At least their flight attendants are sometimes funny.

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    2. I have no idea why my link didn't work. Here is it straight up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRjjhj6FvdM

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  9. Nad then there was my sister's flight to Venice for Carnivale the other year, with a change of plane and airline in France. Her luggage, with her costume (probably worth well over a grand) were lost, and the first airline said it was the second airlines fault, and the second airline blamed the first because they had never received it. So neither would pay up. Turns out the american terminal (I think it was Philly) is notorious for lost luggage, and at least at the time had the worst record in the country by orders of magnitude. It sounds like there was some sort of criminal enterprise going on, and no one would look into it.

    When they went to Venice again a few years later, she shipped everything to their destination hotel/apartment/whatever. It didn't cost much more, and everything arrived safe and sound.

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    1. OMG! I would have been apoplectic!!! Smart move to just forego the airline luggage thing altogether. Airlines are great at losing the only piece of luggage that you desperately need.

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