Deadly Science

No. I'm not referring to the global warming that is currently immobilizing the entire eastern United States in record-breaking freezing temperatures.

I am referring to this clumsy little bit of SCIENCE!

World's Oldest Animal, 507-Year-Old Clam, Discovered And Killed

OOPSIE!

At least he/she died in the name of SCIENCE! That's some comfort.

Anybody have some melted butter?

Say, "AAAAAAAHHH!"

Hoping this doesn't apply to one of my BFF's. Sorry, kitten, dental work is never fun.

Well...this is embarrassing.

At least I can stop worrying about how I'll look in a bikini over the next several DECADES! I'll be in sweaters and wool slacks, thank you very much.

A leaked report by the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change says that the world is not warming but actually cooling, and will continue to get colder until the middle of the century.

You remember the IPCC, right? It’s the group whose 2007 report on global warming said that snow would disappear from everywhere but the highest mountains, icebergs would melt, sea levels would rise, deserts would spread, people would die in heat waves and pretty much the earth was going to end if we didn’t immediately destroy our carbon-fueled economy with job-killing government regulations.

Well, that’s not happening. In fact, the Arctic ice cap has grown by 60 percent since 2012.Thanks to the IPCC’s original predictions, billions of dollars were spent on supposed green measures to curb global warming, according to the Telegraph. Now, either those measures really, really paid off, or the skeptics were right all along.

See what humans can do when they get together on an idea and share a big group hug? We saved the planet!

Now can I have my light bulbs back?

The Downside to Drinking Red Wine for Longevity.

What the HELL is that?

Anybody got any ideas?

Why, as RG points out in the comments, it's just Mr. Sas Squatch looking for a new home. Something with a view, and lots of privacy.

Cannibalism, Zombies...And Now the Plague!

It just keeps getting better and better.

Rocky the Squirrel is now the carrier of the bubonic plague -- in LA! I suppose, if a plague had to break out in this country, that's not a bad place to start.

Plague found in squirrel prompts closures at Angeles National Forest

A discovery of plague has prompted campgrounds at Angeles National Forest in Los Angeles County to be closed down as officials investigate.

A squirrel captured in a trap on July 16 tested positive for the bubonic plague, CBS Los Angeles reported.

Twisted Arrow, Broken Blade and Pima Loops of the Table Mountain campgrounds have been closed since 1:00 p.m. Wednesday, according to the Los Angeles Times.

No people have been infected.

So, not even a very effective plague. And it can be treated easily with antibiotics...if caught in time. And by "in time" they mean within the first day or so. After that, you're either losing body parts or your life. The plague gets you in days. 

Where I live in Northern California we have more squirrels than people. I'm going to rig me up one of these today and have some fun.

 

Let's see if the little critters really can fly.

Guess not.

 

This is so racist I don't even know where to start.

Scientists may have finally discovered evidence of dark matter.

These are multiple images of a few distant galaxies, showing that the cluster is a strong gravitational lens. The relatively weak distortions of the many distant faint blue galaxies all over the image, however, indicates the existence of the dark matter ring. The computationally modeled dark matter ring spans about five million light years and has been digitally superimposed to the image in diffuse blue. Image credit: NASA, ESA, M. J. Jee and H. Ford et al. (Johns Hopkins Univ.)

"...researchers announced the first science results from the Alpha Magnetic Spectrometer (AMS), a $2 billion cosmic-ray particle detector mounted on the exterior of the football-field-size International Space Station. The instrument has observed a striking pattern of antimatter particles called positrons that may turn out to be a product of collisions between dark matter particles.

Though the findings are still uncertain, and the signal could also arise from a more mundane source, the data are, nonetheless, groundbreaking, experts said."

Collisions between dark matter particles? Is that not the most obvious dog whistle raaaaaaacist thing you've ever heard? Note how they ADMIT that the data could arise from a more mundane source, but they seem to PREFER that it be from dark matter. Obviously this is because these scientists are so racist they don't want it to be any other answer. They certainly seem delighted and eager to believe it is the dark matter's fault for all those collisions. What about disenfranchisement? What about lack of opportunity? What about failing school systems? What about the need for more gun control? What about Voter ID laws? What about unfair work requirements for welfare?

Just who are these racists, backwards, troglodytic "scientists" blowing that dog whistle, anyway? I bet they wear WHITE lab coats -- just like the KKK -- when they do their experiments on dark matter.  The hoods might pose a problem, though, when looking through microscopes and other science-y instruments, but I'm pretty sure the hoods were just an accessory item, in the first place. You don't need the full get-up to be a racist. You just need to be white. Or someone who uses the words "urban", or "Chicago." Or anyone who doesn't like our Beloved President. OOOOOOOOOH! RAAAAAACIST!

As Chris Matthews sums up, "A dog whistle is a dog whistle."

BOOM!

Like that --

The perfect circular argument.

There you have it.

And if that brilliant declaration wasn't sufficient to prove the silent but pervasive presence of dog whistles going off constantly all over America, this article is evidence of how insidious the effect of racism actually is in society. It's even infiltrated SCIENCE!.

Dark matter is an invisible substance thought to make up more than 80 percent of the matter in the universe. The elusive stuff is difficult to detect because it very rarely interacts with normal matter, except through its gravitational pull.

One of the leading explanations for dark matter is that it is made up of particles called WIMPs (weakly interacting massive particles), which may produce a detectable signature when they collide and annihilate each other. This happens because WIMPs are thought to be their own antimatter partner particles. When matter and antimatter meet, they destroy each other, so if two WIMPs were to make contact, they would obliterate one another.

Holy shit! How much more racist can you possibly get? This is obviously SUPER DEEP CODE for white flight to suburbs and gang murders and black-on-black violence in inner cities. Calling them WIMPs is a bit cheeky, but if the scientists live in Denver, they needn't worry about any backlash.

Oh why oh why can't we just get past all this painful labeling and destructive racism? Why? 

It's just not possible. Because of this from Traction Control.

Racist pixel

Deep Space One. And so it has always been. And so it will always be.

.

Pondering deep questions that are obvious to everyone but scientists looking for government grants.

Apparently there is "an obesity epidemic in this country that seems to be disproportionately affecting women of minority sexual orientation," which is a delicate way of saying most lesbians are overweight and scientists just can't figure out why. Of course, this pressing question must be delved into, regardless of budgetary issues or fiscal insolvency because...well...because. QUICK! Someone get these scientists some MONEY!

Three-quarters of lesbians in the U.S. are obese, according to details of a new study, which has been given a grant of $1.5million to find out why.

This needs to be studied why? Seriously? All of western civilization is rocketing over the cliff of fiscal insanity, and yet, the proclivity towards weight gain in women of minority sexual orientation is vitally important and must. be. studied. This is not like understanding the significance of the God Particle or deciphering the language found in our DNA. This is fretting over -- to the tune of $1.5 million dollars -- the reason why women who aren't interested in being attractive to men are disproportionately fat. Duh. Little secret....

When you aren't even interested in "the perfect guy,"
you can just dig in!

The research, which will also focus on why gay females have obesity issues and not gay males, is described as of 'high public-health significance'.

High public-health significance. To whom? Honestly, I think I should submit a proposal for a $2 million dollar study to learn why men watch porn. Pay me and I'll explain it all. There will be graphs. And charts. No pictures, though.

Men are significantly more visual than women. Therefore, now stay with me on this, kittens, either gender -- male or female -- interested in attracting visual males  -- will NECESSARILY be more concerned with looking attractive. This isn't hard, kittens.

Researchers said that there has been almost no work done on this social phenomenon.

No kidding. This is not a "phenomenon." Merriam-Webster defines phenomenon as:

c : a fact or event of scientific interest susceptible to scientific description and explanation 

Scientific interest? It is not even a curiosity. Here's another little fact that you can pay me for elucidating. Men are more motivated by the sex drive than women. Women are more interested in being emotionally connected to their partners. That's why  among homosexual men, being attractive and forming relationships around sex are primary motives. Among homosexual women, reading bad poetry and eating chocolate cake together are more engaging activities. This results in the infamous Lesbian Bed Death. Who can stay interested when your partner reads you this:

YOU 

I'd like to make a YOU turn
Onto the highway that leads to
You being with me.
And once I get on that highway
I'll never look for an off ramp,
But I will slow down for the construction
Of a lasting relationship.
And I'll pay the tolls.
As long as those tolls aren't you telling me that
You don't love me the way I love you.
You, you, you, you,
I love you, and without you,
My soul would wilt like a flower in winter.
Water me.
Water me or I will die.

Shut up! Shut UP or I will die.

I need to get funding to do a study studying studies. Someone has to compile the data on just how much money can be pissed away by stupid "scientific" studies funded by politically motivated committees. Yeah. I could do that.

Oxygen gets around.

Manufacturing Happiness

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Metaphysical musings.

And then he shot him. Because they didn't have gun control.

BOOM!

Here's your sign. UPDATED!!!

One of my guilty pleasures is the comedy of the Blue Collar crew. While Ron White is my favorite, with his cigar and scotch and shit-eating grin, Bill Engvall is always funny when he gets into the numerous reasons why people should be awarded "the sign."

But it occurs to me that we have available a better sign that proves stupidity with alarming and decisive finality.

If we catch you. After the fact, of course.

However, my position that a gun free zone sign only serves to illustrate how stupid - and unarmed - you are does instead, according to my intellectual betters, clearly demonstrate how bitter and clingy I actually am. As I am completely unable to take my finger off the trigger of my gun, even long enough to pick my nose or thumb through my King James version of the Bible, I am unable to demonstrate how effective this sign really is. Apparently using a sign to indicate your desire to protect yourself with a sign works. Just watch this informative video.

I don't know how you can argue with that. Look at the way that sign stopped the violent and armed perpetrator every time.

Once again, liberals are very, very smart and are never driven by an agenda, but only by "what works." They are pragmatists. Only science is their master.  We idiots and in-bred fly-over 'tards still bitterly clinging to our damn guns are the ones who do not trust signs because we are ideologically driven. We don't care about statistics or results because we can't understand science anyway - just killing stuff.

Exactly, sweetheart. You're cute. Stupid works for you.

I just have one question. If these signs work so amazingly well, why did President Obama just sign into law a bill that gives him Secret Service protection for life? Why not just get himself one of those super-duper, fool-proof, fail-safe signs? Who doesn't want that kind of protection?

I would probably be considered a little petty if I pointed out at this time that this level of hypocrisy has rarely been seen in politics. Even from Democrats. And that's saying a lot.

**************************

UPDATED!

"You'd have to be a gun-toting, slack-jawed, goat-roping circus clown to miss the armor-piercing logic of my position on gun control," stated Mayor Bloomberg at his recent press conference.

"The most salient point made above, and one I feel compelled to enumerate as you seem to keep missing it, is that guns are NOT FOR THE STUPID LITTLE PEOPLE. As soon as you can grasp that concept, we'll all get along much better," he offered diplomatically. "I mean, honestly, if I don't believe that you're capable of using salt correctly or regulating your soda intake appropriately, why in the world would I believe you needed access to a gun?

"Guns are for the smart people. We need guns to stay safe--OOPS! I mean saf-ER than your government issued sign would insure--so that we can continue to run things. What would happen to all you nose-picking, bare-foot beauty queens if all the smart people were unprotected--OOOPS! again. I mean, protected only by their sign?

"Look, there are people that society can afford to take chances with. That would be all of you.

"Then there are people who are so smart and important and NECESSARY that society must break its own rules of safety in order to keep them safe-ER. That would be us.

"Remember when President Bush said, 'I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system'? Well, this is like that.

"And if you weren't so stupid...but whatever. Here's your sign."

Well, I feel safer already.

Picking Winners

I think it is perfectly reasonable to believe that Dear Leader President Obama and his crack team of insightful economic wizards should be the ones who pick all the winners in our economy. That way we will know - without a doubt - that it will not only all work perfectly, but it will all work FAIRLY. And "fair" is the new freedom, kittens. 

Fair is freedom from risk.
Fair is freedom from failure.
Fair is freedom from effort.
Fair is freedom from sacrifice.
Fair is freedom from inequality.
Fair is freedom from ingenuity.
Fair is freedom from outcome.

Besides, you morons, this isn't YOUR economy. You didn't build that. Government did. So government should rightfully be able to decide how best to use all the resources. You'd just want to keep any profits to yourself anyway because you're greedy. Government is never greedy. That's a proven fact because government never -- EVER -- manages to make a profit. So there. Even when they move their incredible intelligence and insight into the private-sector. Now THAT'S an accomplishment. Don't say they can't do anything. They can piss away your money like it is water.

Let's look back to celebrate the awesome foresight of our betters.

President Obama’s Taxpayer-Backed Green Energy Failures

ead ore here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/01/04/3167317/lincolnton-furniture-company-praised.html#storylink=cpy

It is no secret that President Obama’s and green-energy supporters’ (from both parties) foray into venture capitalism has not gone well. But the extent of its failure has been largely ignored by the press. Sure, single instances garner attention as they happen, but they ignore past failures in order to make it seem like a rare case. (I bolded that. Pay attention!)

The truth is that the problem is widespread. The government’s picking winners and losers in the energy market has cost taxpayers billions of dollars, and the rate of failure, cronyism, and corruption at the companies receiving the subsidies is substantial. The fact that some companies are not under financial duress does not make the policy a success. It simply means that our taxpayer dollars subsidized companies that would’ve found the financial support in the private market.

Go on over...you have got to read the list!

OH! And if the private market isn't enlightened enough to buy the green energy just because it doesn't work or because it is vastly more expensive and or because it is incredibly inefficient compared to other forms of energy, the government is taking care of that, too. See, kittens? They really do care. They really, really do.

Saving the planet, $26.00/gallon at a time.

Navy to run on $26 per gallon bio-diesel

If you’re over the age of 40 you probably remember the infamous $600 toilet seats and $400 hammers from the golden age of government waste, fraud and abuse. Should you believe those days are behind us, you’ve got another thing coming.

In the Liberals world of anything for green, the U.S. Navy is implementing a program to power its ships with bio-fuel, despite the fact this “green fuel” costs nearly seven times more than conventional diesel fuel.

I'm sure you all are aware of this exceedingly wise decision by our ruling Wizards to use up the biofuels that the unenlightened free market doesn't want. This is NOT an example of how stupid and wasteful government is, but an example of how regressive and selfish the free markets is. If people weren't so incredibly selfish, they would understand how important it is to assume the exorbitant costs of green energy in order to save the planet for everyone. But noooooo. They refuse to pay more and take less. Selfish bastards. So it is up to the government to act with benevolent wisdom to save us from ourselves. That this "rescue operation" requires our dear politicians to, once again, shovel more of our money down the Rathole of Infinity is a small price to pay for their unending sacrifice on our behalf. So it never hurts to remember just how well they are looking after us and spending our money more wisely than we would EVER be able to do.

To be so awesome and wise and to still care about the little people. How did we get so lucky?

My Exit Strategy

Tomorrow is the end of the world and I am determined to not be here when it happens.

I'm still working out the kinks.

I need a drink.

Of course, it doesn't help that others do alot of the thinking for me and have the time to put together lists like this:

5 THINGS REALLY WORTH WORRYING ABOUT

1. Climate change. Needs no explanation, I assume. (I would like one, actually.)
2. Robots. Explanation here. Even Paul Krugman is tentatively on board now.
3. Immortality. Laugh if you want, but it's hardly impossible that sometime in the medium-term future we'll see biomedical breakthroughs that make humans extremely long-lived. What happens then? Who gets the magic treatments? How do we support a population that grows forever? How does an economy of immortals work, anyway?
4. Bioweapons. We don't talk about this a whole lot these days, but it's still possible—maybe even likely—that extraordinarily lethal viruses will be fairly easily manufacturable within a couple of decades. If this happens before we figure out how to make extraordinarily effective vaccines and antidotes, this could spell trouble in ways obvious enough to need no explanation.
5. Energy. All the robots in the world won't do any good if we don't have enough energy to keep them running. And fossil fuels will run out eventually, fracking or not. However, I put this one fifth out of five because we already have pretty good technology for renewable energy, and it's mainly an engineering problem to build it out on a mass scale. Plus you never know. Fusion might become a reality someday.

So I guess I need to worry about an arid, relentlessly hot and oxygen-depleted environment where robots who don't mind the heat and don't breathe and, by the way, are already kind of immortal after a fashion, are wielding deadly viruses (which would negate immortality for us, don't you think?) for as long as they have sufficient energy to destroy the planet.

Oh, goodie.

The bright spot in all the news today is that drinking makes you live longer. So if I have to see this future, at least it will be with a Senor Playboy in my hand.

STUDY: ABSTAINING FROM ALCOHOL SIGNIFICANTLY SHORTENS LIFE

 A newly released study shows that regular drinkers are less likely to die prematurely than people who have never indulged in alcohol. You read that right: Time reports that abstaining from alcohol altogether can lead to a shorter life than consistent, moderate drinking.

 So I'm good. Really good. I have the consistent part down, anyway. I will live to see immortal deadly robots burning under an angry sun.

That thought alone would make me drink, if I didn't already.

The movie "Idiocracy" now proven SCIENCE!

Human intelligence 'peaked thousands of years ago and we've been on an intellectual and emotional decline ever since' 

 

Or, as I like to paraphrase, stupid should hurt. A lot. As in die it hurts so much.

If ANY of the really smart guys who are always lecturing us on SCIENCE! are willing to stand their ground on evolution in the face of this information, then it makes perfect sense -- in fact, it is inarguable -- that the more advanced our societies become, and consequently the more stupid people we can carry -- the goddamn dumber we get as a whole.

Or you could just look at the electorate that voted for Dear Leader twice and have all proof you need.

H/T: Ace of Spades

Definition of Insanity

Who you gonna believe?

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -- Albert Einstein

I beg to differ. That is the definition of stubbornness.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results because the voices in your head tell you to.

Aliens Probably Have a Well Developed Sense of Humor

Yeah, that'll spook'em.

Green is the New Red

In more ways than just the bottom line, comrades. FORWARD!

Studies prove that everything you do while driving is dangerous

Apparently hurtling along in a steel cage at 65 (okay...in my case, 80) miles per hour among other hurtling steel cages inhabited by frank idiots, many of whom have never discovered the cutting edge technology of a turn signal yet are nonetheless weaving in and out of tiny holes accidentally left between these cages by other inattentive idiots is dangerous. Who knew?

This is always my best rebuttal.

No one. That's why we need studies. Duh!

NEW STUDY SHOWS DANGERS OF SINGING WHILE DRIVING

NEW YORK (WABC) -- Who doesn't like to belt out a tune every once in a while when they're behind the wheel?

Singing and driving is not only distracting, it may also make you a worse driver. That's according to a new Australian study. It finds that singing requires more mental activity, taking your attention off the road. 

Researchers tested the singing and driving abilities of 21 people by using a driving simulator.

The singing drivers were less likely to notice peripheral distractions and their speeds varied more . 

"As you might guess, driving performance changes when you're listening to music and singing. You actually tend to slow down," said Scott Bea with Cleveland Clinic. 

The study found the same distracting effect for those just listening to music, even if they didn't sing along.

Closely related to this finding from Australia is this study out of Britain.

Men's accident rates climb with women's hemlines

The London Telegraph said the study by car insurance company Sheilas' Wheels claims men get into more accidents in the summer because they are distracted by women's skimpy outfits. 

The study shows that 29 percent of men admitted being distracted by short skirts and low-cut tops in summer weather, leading to record numbers of accidents on the roads, the Telegraph said.

Cell phones were dangerous. So they took them.
Singing is dangerous. So shut UP!
Clothing is dangerous. So wear more.

Stupidity is dangerous, kittens. And stupidity at high speeds can be deadly.

I swear I'm going to put together a proposal to study whether having kids throwing ice cream at each other effects driving safety. Someone will give me money to find that out.

In the meantime, this is what inattention will get you, so look alive, people.

I'm sure this is code for more than just stupid people.

Maybe they were responding to a dog whistle.