Home for the Holidays

As Christmas approaches and I contemplate a house filled with people, I realize that I have become quite comfortable with just my husband and myself, along with the cat, dog, and horse. It's entertainingly busy, but generally things stay neat and tidy. When everyone hits my front door, I am going to be a lot more like this poor dear soul. OOOOOH Lordy!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

HAHAHAHA!

No Secrets.

Sex and the Single Kindergartener

Beloved Dear Leader has proclaimed that children as young as four now need to learn all about the birds and the bees. "It's the right thing to do," he has assured us.

Chicago public schools will start sex education in kindergarten

The dismally low graduation rate for students who attend Chicago Public Schools is barely over 60 percent – substantially lower than the national rate of roughly 75 percent. Nevertheless, citizens of the Second City will surely take heart, because the Chicago Board of Education just passed a new policy that requires sex education to begin in kindergarten.

Why not? If they are already bored by Dick and Jane, let's get them interested in Dick dicking Jane. That'll keep'em in school.

The new policy, which was passed on Wednesday, according to ABC News, is part of a broader makeover of the school district’s sexual health program,

Sometime within the next two years, students in every grade, including kindergarten, will be required to spend a certain amount of time on the birds and the bees.

Mandated sex-ed for Chicago kindergartners will include instruction about male and female anatomy and reproduction. It’s not clear exactly how much detail five- and six-year-olds will be taught concerning the more sophisticated uses of their genitals.

This seems perfectly in line with Obamacare. Now that healthcare is run by the government -- and government is always a monopoly -- we don't want little Johnny and Susie playing doctor anymore.

Besides, Obama and Kevin Jennings and all the rest of the perverts are waaaaaaay behind on this one. South Park has already had fun with this.

WARNING: NSFW

Proper Condom Use

And who can forget the Reverse Cowgirl?

As Billy Graham is reported to have quipped, "If God doesn't punish America, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah a HUGE apology." 



H/T: The Daily Caller

Game of Thrones - UPDATED WITH BEST EXPLANATION EVER FOR ALL THAT GRATUITOUS SEX

I'm late to the party. VERY late. I don't care. I wish I'd never come to this stupid party.

I officially HATE this grossly violent, grossly sexual series. And not just because it is grossly violent and grossly sexual. But mostly because it is also grossly stupid. I mean honestly, if you want me to put up with disembowlings, beheadings, doggie sex and dwarf sex, then AT LEAST give me some decent writing. GAAAAAAH!

Believe me, I tried. I watched the season premier. I hated it. I watched the first four episodes of the first season. I hated every single second of every single one.

I quit.

But the funny part of this is that my daughter recently told the story of a party she attended where they were playing a guessing game. The rules were you gained the most points the fewer words you used to help your team guess the answer. The answers were all popular movies, songs, or TV shows.

First Guy, giving his first clue to his team: DRAGONS!

Team: Huh?

First Guy: Dragons -- with PORN!

Team: GAME OF THRONES!

Winner.

I could just puke.

UPDATE!  UPDATE!  UPDATE!

*********************************************

Library-Gryffon tipped me off to the reason Game of Thrones is so prurient and adolescent. Because Adam Friedberg.

I love this kid.

This kid is awesome.

The universal cure for insomnia. I'm going to try it tonight.

I especially love the flat out abandon of the arms-over-the-head face plant. And when he sticks the landing, he holds it for a long moment for the judges. Points on style for that one.

When our daughter was small, she did not sleep. Ever.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. She would eventually sleep. What she NEVER did was fall asleep. She CRASHED asleep. Screaming, thrashing, wailing, shrieking her way to oblivion as if it were a fight to the death every single time. Naps. Evenings. Car rides. Rocking chairs. Being held. Being carried for walks. It. Did. Not. Matter. She fought sleep like she was fighting a lion. For the first four years of her life, she filled the house with the dulcet tones of banshee screams.  My husband and I often remarked (when we could hear each other over the screaming) that it was a damned good thing she had been born to fairly stable people. She could easily have been shaken to death and even the neighbors would have been delighted.

I'm not joking. One evening we had a knock at the door. It was the police. They had received a complaint about screaming. They needed to check. I said, "Be my guest. She's right up stairs," although that was obvious. The thrilling trills of the rising shrieks were pounding through the closed door at the top of the stairs.

Both officers exchanged glances, unsure of what they would see. I wanted to blurt out, "Oh go on. It can't be as bad as a traffic accident" but I wasn't sure this was a joking moment.

Up the stairs the female officer went and opened the door. I didn't accompany her but I can guarantee you what she saw. My adorable daughter, freshly bathed and looking positively like a baby Brooke Shields, standing in her crib, holding onto the side, and screaming her freaking head off.

The young officer came back down quickly and stopped to say, glancing sympathetically at the bourbon held in my hand, "I'm sorry."

I laughed. "It's okay. It's only every night and twice a day at nap time."

"O good Lord!" Both officers laughed nervously. By now it was obvious they simply wanted out of the reverberating house. It was hard not to put your hands over your ears and fall to the ground to curl up in a fetal position from the noise. I completely understood.

So when I see this little tyke dealing with insomnia with face plants into the covers, I kinda really like this kid. A lot.

He is just plain awesome.

My daughter. Doing a comedy routine. It is to laugh.

"...and also, celebrities are morons."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

This kid is pretty darn smart. Someone raised her right. And it wasn't her "daddy", Obama. But she needs to be careful and not ticked off all the people who might need a job because she needs her room cleaned, and I don't imagine her REAL mom is going to do that.  Or maybe she should just call up Michelle, her new "mom" and see whether being the "child" of the president comes with housecleaning.

Apparently it does come with food stamps. And $400.00 purses. And cash.

I need this sign.

This is why I don't have any video of my children

Precisely and EXACTLY because of this.



Every time they were doing something adorable that I wanted to record for posterity and so would grab the video camera, they instantly stopped doing whatever adorably cute thing they were doing and started acting like perfect little retards, emitting random noises, flailing and gyrating, completely distracted by the appearance of the camera.

Oh, it was cute. Once. Maybe. Like this kid. But an entire video library of this shit is not cute at all.

That's why I don't have any video of my adorable children.

The End.

Struggling with cool

There once was a time in my life when it was effortless to be cool. Cool wasn't something you did; cool was something you were. But, like staying skinny on a diet of pizza and ice cream, or waking up presentable on two hours of sleep, that time is long gone. It's so long gone down the road that it's out of sight, the dust has settled, and I'm standing there forlorn, abandoned, and beaten. I know this because I am reminded of it virtually every single day by my teen-aged daughter. For those of you who have managed to get through life without one of those, believe me, you have missed one of life's greatest joys. I love learning at this stage of my life that I am hopelessly out of step and that my best attempts at, well, almost anything, are woefully inadequate.

Who knew? Do. Not. Answer. That.

Coming home from school today, my daughter was monitoring the music. This is an activity that  she considers vital to the trip -- any trip -- and apparently it is a highly esoteric process with a number of variables, about which I haven't a clue. Numerous songs that I liked were being skipped, but when she came to "Somebody That I Used to Know", I said, "Let's listen to that. I haven't heard it in awhile."

"Oh please! That song has been done to DEATH! NO ONE listens to it now."

OOPS! Not cool. Whatever.

"I listen to it," I insisted. "They played it alot for awhile, but that was months ago. You used to like it. How did I miss that it stopped being cool?"

"You haven't seen this?"

And she took my phone and brought up this YouTube video.

And we laughed ourselves silly.

So, it seems when there are 6,000,000 views of a send up ridiculing how lame your song has become because it was too popular, you are officially uncool.

I remember when it was cool. That was when Rachel Lucas was writing about it. But that was back in July and I imagine she has known for some time the song had reached its zenith and descended into the NO LONGER COOL abyss.

Andy Warhol once said that everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. He was right. But I am from the era when people were famous for decades...or their whole lives. You got used to them. You could rely on them. Being cool wasn't that hard because it didn't change that fast. This fifteen minute stuff is really difficult for me to keep up with.

Rules are made to be broken, Retard.

 Dolphin Bites 8-Year-Old Girl at Sea World

Feeding the dolphins at Sea World was a dream come true for 8-year-old Jillian Thomas, until one of the marine mammals bit into her arm, nearly dragging her into the water.

Jillian's mother took video of her daughter, who says dolphins are her favorite animal, feeding them at the theme park's Dolphin Cove.

Jillian was in the middle of her second visit of the day to the friendly looking animals when she made a crucial mistake, lifting a small plate of dolphin food in the air out of excitement, something the park warns people not to do.

The dolphin, eager for the food, chomped down on Jillian's arm instead, nearly dragging her into the water.

The 8-year-old walked away from the encounter with a set of teeth marks the size of dimes.

So the little girl got away with a tremendous fright and a bitten arm while Mom captured the whole thing on video. I'm sure little Jillian learned very quickly that animals, no matter how cute, are potentially dangerous - at ALL TIMES. But most especially when you have food in your hand. I hope little 8-year-old Jillian also learned she is frighteningly vulnerable to her own mother's stupidity, because Mommy, I'll wager, didn't learn a damn thing.

The real lesson here was for Mommy Dearest who allowed her 8-year-old daughter to feed the dolphins because the park had a rule.

The Thomas family said it has no plans to sue Sea World, however they are urging the park to increase the age limit for children who are allowed to feed the animals.

 It's not their fault, you see. They are "furious". It is the park's fault for having a rule.

Apparently, if we are to follow the Thomas family's logic concerning the details of the incident, the park's rule absolves them of any responsibility for personal decisions in the safety of their own child. There was a rule.

We once were a nation of self-reliant, independent-thinking, somewhat cantankerous troublemakers who didn't trust rules blindly and even fairly routinely questioned authority. And I am referring to the Founding Fathers, not the 60's hippies.

Now we are a nation of rule-following, law-abiding, queue-forming, Honey Boo Boo-watching whiny brats. We need rules to tell us everything. And the more rules we demand, the less responsibility we assume for our own actions.

Of course, it could all be explained by the theory that we have become a nation of complete retards. That's entirely possible, and certainly worth considering, because I have no other explanation for this video.

Just as an aside to the reader, I have no idea what "behind me and fluctuate" means.

Happy Halloween!

To all the future Republicans in the world.

Because redistribution is SCARY!

It's like being a Democrat!

It's Sunday and the sermon for today is, "How to Have Sex" by Andrew Klavan.

"What?" you ask with open-mouthed shock at the indelicacy of that title. "How can THAT be a Sunday sermon?"

Well, first because it happens to be Sunday and I want to post this. But second, and most important, sex is one of the most defining and important aspects of determining the shared moral values of society. So we all need a lecture about it once in a while. There are very few experiences in life that are virtually universal, that are as potentially powerful, and that have as many life-changing (both beginning and ending) consequences as sex. Try as we might, it is impossible to remove the moral component from sex. Can't be done. Sex is either moral or immoral; it is never neutral.

This video by Klavan was made three years ago, but it is more relevant now than ever. The recent Democratic National Convention put sex front and center with its WAR ON WOMEN campaign slogan. 30-something co-eds from prestigious universities pounded the podium and paraded before us all their right to have sex promiscuously and without consequence. Anything less constituted WAR!

But, as Mr. Klavan points out, there is no such thing as sex without consequence. To pretend  otherwise leaves people broken, damaged and destroyed -- it's like being a Democrat!

Studies prove that everything you do while driving is dangerous

Apparently hurtling along in a steel cage at 65 (okay...in my case, 80) miles per hour among other hurtling steel cages inhabited by frank idiots, many of whom have never discovered the cutting edge technology of a turn signal yet are nonetheless weaving in and out of tiny holes accidentally left between these cages by other inattentive idiots is dangerous. Who knew?

This is always my best rebuttal.

No one. That's why we need studies. Duh!

NEW STUDY SHOWS DANGERS OF SINGING WHILE DRIVING

NEW YORK (WABC) -- Who doesn't like to belt out a tune every once in a while when they're behind the wheel?

Singing and driving is not only distracting, it may also make you a worse driver. That's according to a new Australian study. It finds that singing requires more mental activity, taking your attention off the road. 

Researchers tested the singing and driving abilities of 21 people by using a driving simulator.

The singing drivers were less likely to notice peripheral distractions and their speeds varied more . 

"As you might guess, driving performance changes when you're listening to music and singing. You actually tend to slow down," said Scott Bea with Cleveland Clinic. 

The study found the same distracting effect for those just listening to music, even if they didn't sing along.

Closely related to this finding from Australia is this study out of Britain.

Men's accident rates climb with women's hemlines

The London Telegraph said the study by car insurance company Sheilas' Wheels claims men get into more accidents in the summer because they are distracted by women's skimpy outfits. 

The study shows that 29 percent of men admitted being distracted by short skirts and low-cut tops in summer weather, leading to record numbers of accidents on the roads, the Telegraph said.

Cell phones were dangerous. So they took them.
Singing is dangerous. So shut UP!
Clothing is dangerous. So wear more.

Stupidity is dangerous, kittens. And stupidity at high speeds can be deadly.

I swear I'm going to put together a proposal to study whether having kids throwing ice cream at each other effects driving safety. Someone will give me money to find that out.

In the meantime, this is what inattention will get you, so look alive, people.

I'm sure this is code for more than just stupid people.

Maybe they were responding to a dog whistle.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Clearly there is a substantial difference. Let's just celebrate that, shall we? Every kid needs a dad.

"Yes, I Threw Them Away."

The world is going insane.

MOSCOW –  A Russian mother told witnesses she threw her two young sons to their deaths from a 15th-floor balcony because she was "fed up" with them, RT News reported Monday.

Ryabkova reportedly later told witnesses she was "fed up with children" and "decided to get rid of them."

I do not want to live in this world anymore.  I want to live in a world where if someone does something this horrific, this insanely selfish, they are promptly dragged away and executed the next morning.  Done.  Deal.

THE END

We care far too much for those who act on sociopathic, narcissistic impulses and not one damn bit for those destroyed because of it.

I need to buy an island. 

Other People's Money

This is intended to make you mad.  This is intended to give you permission to feel morally superior while giving full vent to your envy and greed.  This is intended to convey the message that Ann Romney is spoiled, selfish and clueless; that not only has stay-at-home-Ann "never worked a day in her life", but that she fritters away her time and money on something as elitist and unnecessary as horses.  Dressage horses, no less. How could she?

We are to despise her for staying home to raise her five boys.  We are to hate her for having the means to indulge in horses.  An indulgence, I might point out, that began as a method of therapy for the symptoms of MS, from which she suffers. But the real message here is that we are to despise her and hate her for simply having the means....period.  The real  message here is not that she spends her money on horses, but that she has any money to spend at all.

For a visceral and negligently superficial image like this to resonate, you must hold certain assumptions.

1. You must believe that private property is theft and that no one has any inherent "right" to what they have.  That others' judgment as to how much you have or what you do with it is the determining factor in whether you are a decent person, whether you are owed respect, or whether you should even be allowed to keep your property.  "I think at some point, that you've made enough money."
2. You must believe that it is immoral for someone to follow the tax laws of this country. 
3. You must believe that the women's movement didn't give women the opportunity to choose work; it gave them the DUTY to do so.
4. You must believe that money made in the private sector is evidence of greed and selfishness - or dumb luck.  You either stole it or fell into it.  
5. You must believe that support for legalized theft is evidence of your generosity. "I believe that if you spread the wealth around, it's good for everyone."  
6. You must  believe that only those people who hold the "correct" positions politically should be allowed to indulge their hobbies or interests...or vacations.
7. You must believe that the amount someone writes off on their taxes is damning and conclusive evidence of insensitive disregard for others, while ignoring what they actually PAID in taxes.  Or what they gave to charity, for that matter.
8. You must believe that no good comes from the creation of wealth, such as producing jobs, improving people's lifestyles, or realizing dreams achieved through work - it is all raping, robbing and pillaging.  This one is easy as it relates back to 1. and 4. All wealth is accumulated through theft.  There is no creation of wealth.  
9. You must believe that anyone who does what they want because it pleases them or is in line with their personal morals, is a threat to the power of the group. 
10. You must believe that is it morally superior to be more offended by how a private citizen spends their own money than it is to be offended at all by an elected politician who dispenses money from the public treasury to buy power and repay favors.

You must be a complete and utter idiot.

Having said that, Colbert does a hilarious bit on this.  Hi-freaking-larious.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Mitt Romney's Champion Horse & Stephen's Dressage Contribution
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

He gets it right, too. Except for the pronunciation...and the hat and crop at the end. One doesn't wear a hunt cap at the Grand Prix level, and one NEVER carries a riding crop. Dressage whips are altogether different. But he gets close enough for a pass.

Coolest Father's Day Present EVAH!

Death Star Barbeque

My husband got a shop vac. OMG! This would have been way more cool.

Happy Father's Day

PUT YOUR FEET UP, DARLING

Democrats really are stupid.

"What you have is Mitt Romney running around the country saying, 'Well, you know my wife tells me that what women really care about are economic issues and when I listen to my wife, that's what I'm hearing.' Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life."

Rosen just did more to rally the base around Romney than Romney managed to do in months and months of campaigning.  Thanks.  We owe you one.

And just to note: If you took away the five kids, Ann Romney's resume would look just like Obama's.

SO MUCH STUPID...

...but not enough persons.