I'm still laughing.

The extent of my delight in this stupid picture gives you a rough idea of the adolescent level of my sense of humor. But this is bloody brilliant!!!

I'm not only going to be laughing all day over this, I'm going to be SAYING it all day because it is SO MUCH BETTER when you say this out loud.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Apparently though is a five-letter word!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There is hope for America yet.....

Surrounded by the stupid.

And that's not just gratuitous snark -- it's the truth.

WASHINGTON — It’s long been known that America’s school kids haven’t measured well compared with international peers. Now, there’s a new twist: Adults don’t either.

In math, reading and problem-solving using technology – all skills considered critical for global competitiveness and economic strength – American adults scored below the international average on a global test, according to results released Tuesday.

Adults in Japan, Canada, Australia, Finland and multiple other countries scored significantly higher than the United States in all three areas on the test. Beyond basic reading and math, respondents were tested on activities such as calculating mileage reimbursement due to a salesman, sorting email and comparing food expiration dates on grocery store tags.

Is this really a surprise to anyone? When you can confuse a store clerk virtually to the point of tears by handing her a quarter to accompany the $5.00 bill you had already given her after she'd wrung up up the sale for $4.25, you know you are deep into stupid territory. This actually happened. A sales clerk had taken my $5.00 for a $4.25 purchase and entered the amount into her cash register. When I belatedly fished out my quarter from the depths of my Mary Poppins bag and handed it to her, she froze. A confused look came over her. She bit her lip, staring at the five dollar bill and the quarter.

"You gave me too much money."

"No, I gave you the quarter so you could give me back a dollar bill."

"But I only owe you 75 cents."

"Not if you add the quarter to it."

"But I don't need the quarter! That's too much."

I took back the quarter. I then took the additional three quarters she handed me. I paused for effect and to give her brain a chance to have closure on that transaction. Then I put all four quarters in one hand and asked, "Can I have a dollar for these four quarters?"

That's when she almost started crying.

And I almost started laughing.

But I'm not that mean. Almost. Not quite.

Americans are stupid. We are stupid and we are uninformed. But thankfully we score high marks on self-esteem. Yes, that means we are arrogant. This is important because if you aren't arrogant when you're stupid, you might just learn something. Like how to make change.

But wait. All this stupidity is easily explained. It is not, in fact, a result of lowering standards and expectations of performance; nor is it the result of the increasing political power of the teachers' union and the federalization of education through the Department of Education. No. That's just silly talk.

It is all about the inequality.

Simple.

However, my retarded reptilian brain remembers this little video from 2008, and I wonder whether it can be reconciled with the pronouncement that stupidity is simply an expression of inequality.

It would appear from this video, that at the very least, some of our fellow citizens' stupidity results from listening to NPR and reading the NY Times.

Sex and the Single Kindergartener

Beloved Dear Leader has proclaimed that children as young as four now need to learn all about the birds and the bees. "It's the right thing to do," he has assured us.

Chicago public schools will start sex education in kindergarten

The dismally low graduation rate for students who attend Chicago Public Schools is barely over 60 percent – substantially lower than the national rate of roughly 75 percent. Nevertheless, citizens of the Second City will surely take heart, because the Chicago Board of Education just passed a new policy that requires sex education to begin in kindergarten.

Why not? If they are already bored by Dick and Jane, let's get them interested in Dick dicking Jane. That'll keep'em in school.

The new policy, which was passed on Wednesday, according to ABC News, is part of a broader makeover of the school district’s sexual health program,

Sometime within the next two years, students in every grade, including kindergarten, will be required to spend a certain amount of time on the birds and the bees.

Mandated sex-ed for Chicago kindergartners will include instruction about male and female anatomy and reproduction. It’s not clear exactly how much detail five- and six-year-olds will be taught concerning the more sophisticated uses of their genitals.

This seems perfectly in line with Obamacare. Now that healthcare is run by the government -- and government is always a monopoly -- we don't want little Johnny and Susie playing doctor anymore.

Besides, Obama and Kevin Jennings and all the rest of the perverts are waaaaaaay behind on this one. South Park has already had fun with this.

WARNING: NSFW

Proper Condom Use

And who can forget the Reverse Cowgirl?

As Billy Graham is reported to have quipped, "If God doesn't punish America, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah a HUGE apology." 



H/T: The Daily Caller

Seeing the "we" in me.

When I watched this video, it at first seemed compelling in its timeless message. It isn't what happens to us that matters - it's what we think about what happens -- how we internalize it. And when we see others as ourselves, with empathy and understanding and acceptance, then it expands our awareness from the small center of "me" to the larger, more complex world of "we". This expansion increases our compassion, tolerance, capacity for forgiveness, and, ultimately, creates fertile ground for love.

And we're happier.

Of course, his message would have been even more convincing if the author hadn't committed suicide.

Just saying....

************************************

Okay...okay...okay.  I was going to just leave it at that but the risk of appearing like a total asshole instead of the lovable asshole I try diligently to project was too great. An inspirational speech about how to stop focusing on yourself and your problems from someone who couldn't get out of his own head and, after years of depression, hangs himself? Seriously? This is simply so depressing that it is funny in a miserably, painfully, wretchedly dark, and utterly macabre sort of way.

Just once I want someone who is "coaching" me on some inspirational way of thinking or living to demonstrate just how fucking wonderful his life is because of doing what he is telling me to do. Just. Once.

I am sick to DEATH of "experts" in any number of fields telling us all how to think, feel, make tons of money, live amazing lives, find the perfect love, manifest all our dreams and desires while they stumble along fucking things up just as badly or perhaps even worse than the most remedial among us. Marriage counselors on their fifth marriage. Success speakers who have never done anything except sell the idea of success to others. Fat doctors who smoke. Therapists who take anti-depressants.

The list is endless.

And what does it say about us? The two observations that I can make are:

1. We have become a nation of life-long children. We look to "adults" (aka "experts") throughout our lives. Buy a book...go to a seminar...take a course...because someone else has the answer. We certainly don't have to figure it out ourselves. Why, we wouldn't even WANT to. There is an expert for everything who can tell us anything - how to have a happy marriage, raise our children, find the perfect job...

2. This idea of an expert for everything implies that there is a solution for everything. UTOPIA! Yeah! HOPE AND CHANGE! No wonder our generation is the one who elected President Peace Prize. We have been conditioned from grade school to turn over our self-reliance, common sense, and responsibility for just about everything to someone else, some "expert", some speaker, author, politician...

And now we have President Hope.

Serves us right.

Still, I would like for uplifting, inspirational messages like this one to work once in a while. It would soften my cynicism, that's for damn sure.

It's Earth Day.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

UPDATED!!!

If you're not a NASCAR freak, then just compost your significant other.

To save the EARTH. 

Sumpin' Just Don't Add Up.

"Don't just stand there!
Start shooting!"

Over the last couple of days a series of stories have crossed my newsfeed that have, when taken together, raised my level of concern from, "Things are getting a bit sticky" to "Better start shooting!"

First, over at DOUBLEPLUSUNDEAD, alexthechick posted yesterday about the citizen resistance concerning gun control and confiscation in New York. NEW YORK. Pause and let that sink in. New York. Neeeeeew York! New York is supposed to be a "smart" state, like California or Illinois. You know, run by Democrats and filled with liberals. SMART-smart. They certainly aren't supposed to be the location of the beginning of the revolution.

"Bring it on!"

As Alex notes, this video is "chilling." Chilling because only 40 years ago this scene was unthinkable in America. Now it has happened and we have police officers and officials taunting the crowd of law-abiding citizens with, "Bring it on!"

Bring it on. Really? I think, perhaps, he should consider the wisdom of that challenge.

Then, hilariously, we have the Department of Homeland Security releasing a video instructing ADULTS in the fine art of cowering.

The highly instructional video is entitled, "Options for Consideration Active Shooter Training Video." One will notice that shooting back is not an option. Cowering, hiding, running away, begging for help from 911, leaving behind wounded victims, fearing for your life, peeing in your pants, becoming hysterical (but quietly so the active shooter won't actively find you and actively shoot you), are all considered much better options than being armed and just shooting the fucker dead. Oh, and if you HAVE to fight back, use scissors.  Excellent advice. I've always known scissors were dangerous. Remember that warning about running with them? I think I've made my point.

My sense is that DHS would very much like to convince us that cowering in fear is the appropriate response to ANY show of force...even theirs. Especially theirs. And the military...e-ven.

Citizens, it is coming down to a couple of options. Grab your guns and prepare for battle or run away. OH! I forgot. Grab your scissors is the third choice.

 I always thought Monty Python was a farce, not a tactical choice of adult men and women. 

But wait! There's more. If they can't make you frightened and defenseless in the face of open aggression and violent threats, maybe they will just kill you all civilized like. Krazy Krugman gives away the game. (Bolding entirely mine.)

"And we’re also going to have to make decisions about health care, doc pay for health care that has no demonstrated medical benefits . So the snarky version…which I shouldn’t even say because it will get me in trouble is death panels and sales taxes is how we do this."

Why, hello, kittens. What have we here? The compassion of liberals married to the pragmatic use of force - which is all the state really is and so force is all it's capable of using to fix a problem. And as the esteemed and really, really smart Mr. Krugman admits, "Eventually we do have a problem." Really? That's not good because when states have "problems" -- big problems -- people end up dead. Every time. Always.

Or course they intend to tax you into poverty, then kill you. Nice. Mustn't "off" anyone who is still useful to the state.


The smart, kind, caring people believe we have too many of you and not enough money for them, so please go quietly or be shot. You get to choose. Well, damnit! I'm not going and I have SCISSORS! Get BACK!!!

The last story would be funny if it weren't becoming so nauseatingly familiar. The liberal elite are threatening us with their attack dogs. DHS and the military aren't enough. No, they are revving up the teachers. Yes, indeed. Mrs. Brown and Mr. Miller. You're kindergarten teacher. You're biology teacher. Just make anyone beholden to the Great God of Government for a couple of decades (in this case via the Department of Education and the NEA) and you create foaming-at-the-mouth greed and insanity. The trick is keeping the crazed teachers under control when they keep attending rallies where leaders are saying this kind of nonsense:

Lethal working conditions apparently
don't include loss of lunchroom privileges.

"The labor leaders of that time, though, were ready to kill. They were. They were just - off with their heads. They were seriously talking about that."

The comment drew laughs and some scattered applause before Lewis added, "I don't think we're at that point. The key is that they think nothing of killing us. They think nothing about putting us in harm's way. They think nothing about lethal working conditions."

Killing teachers. Callously. Routinely, it would seem. Lethal working conditions. Uh-hmmm....Lethal. Working. Conditions. One can only assume that she is talking about schools. Schools where our own children spend most of their days from age 6 to 18. Schools with lethal working conditions. I missed the news broadcasts where the little darlings and their desperately noble teachers were being taken out on gurneys virtually every day as we ruthlessly allowed them to DIE. What kind of people are we??? MY GOD! We deserve to die. Here's my scissors. I'll go quietly.


H/T: DOUBLEPLUSUNDEAD, Breitbart, American Thinker

Wise Words

From the Dalai Lama:

"The great benefit of science is that it can make a tremendous contribution to the alleviation of suffering on a physical level, but it is only by cultivating the qualities of the human heart and transforming our attitudes that we can begin to address and overcome our mental suffering. We need both, since the alleviation of suffering must take place on both a physical and a psychological level."

Insert Your Profanity Here

That line in the video just made me laugh out loud.

Joe Dan with another educational video in the ever growing curricula offered at Froglegs University.

F. U.

But, Joe, who doesn't love you?

Manufacturing Happiness

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln

The Greatest Gift

Change.

HA! I bet you thought it was going to be a gun.

"When you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody."

Well, maybe not everybody.

WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES. But necessary. Very, very necessary.

Despite its spectacular brutality, communism continues to exert its lure of something for nothing that has intoxicated man since Cain killed Abel. It appears that all we need to follow the next Pied Piper into the depths of hell is the promise of free healthcare.

Good luck with that.


H/T: American Thinker

A History Lesson to Start the New Year

It's the first day of the year that wasn't supposed to be.

So Happy 2013, kittens!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to Improve The Stupid, and that means learning something every day. Here's your first test. If you don't know the answers, just guess. A pretty good guess would be "b".

BLACK POLITICAL HISTORY: THE UNTOLD STORY
NOTE: All answers are "b."

1. What Party was founded as the anti-slavery Party and fought to free blacks from slavery?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

2. What was the Party of Abraham Lincoln who signed the emancipation proclamation that resulted in the Juneteenth celebrations that occur in black communities today?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

3. What Party passed the Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth Amendments to the U. S. Constitution granting blacks freedom, citizenship, and the right to vote?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

4. What Party passed the Civil Rights Acts of 1866 and 1875 granting blacks protection from the Black Codes and prohibiting racial discrimination in public accommodations, and was the Party of most blacks prior to the 1960’s, including Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Booker T. Washington, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

5. What was the Party of the founding fathers of the NAACP?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

6. What was the Party of President Dwight Eisenhower who sent U.S. troops to Arkansas to desegregate schools, established the Civil Rights Commission in 1958, and appointed Chief Justice Earl Warren to the U.S. Supreme Court which resulted in the 1954 Brown v. Board of Education decision ending school segregation?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ]  b. Republican Party

7.   What Party, by the greatest percentage, passed the Civil Rights Acts of the 1950’s and 1960’s?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

8. What was the Party of President Richard Nixon who instituted the first Affirmative Action program in 1969 with the Philadelphia Plan that established goals and timetables?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

9. What is the Party of President George W. Bush who appointed more blacks to high-level positions than any president in history and who spent record money education, job training and health care to help black Americans prosper?
            [ ] a. Democratic Party
            [ ] b. Republican Party

BLACK POLITICAL HISTORY: THE UNTOLD STORY

NOTE: All answers are "b."

10. What Party fought to keep blacks in slavery and was the Party of the Ku Klux Klan?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

11. What Party from 1870 to 1930 used fraud, whippings, lynching, murder, intimidation, and mutilation to get the black vote, and passed the Black Codes and Jim Crow laws which legalized racial discrimination and denied blacks their rights as citizens?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

12. What was the Party of President Franklin D. Roosevelt and President Harry Truman who rejected anti-lynching laws and efforts to establish a permanent Civil Rights Commission?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

13. What was the Party of President Lyndon Johnson, who called Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “that [N-word] preacher” because he opposed the Viet Nam War; and President John F. Kennedy who voted against the 1957 Civil Rights law as a Senator, then as president opposed the 1963 March on Washington by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. after becoming president and the FBI investigate Dr. King on suspicion of being a communist?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

14. What is the Party of the late Senators Robert Byrd who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan, Ernest “Fritz” Hollings who hoisted the Confederate flag over the state capitol in South Carolina while governor, and Ted Kennedy who called black judicial nominees “Neanderthals” while blocking their appointments?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

15. What was the Party of President Bill Clinton who failed to fight the terrorists after the first bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, sent troops to war in Bosnia and Kosovo without Congressional approval, vetoed the Welfare Reform law twice before signing it, and refused to comply with a court order to have shipping companies develop an Affirmative Action Plan?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

16. What is the Party of Vice President Al Gore whose father voted against the Civil Rights Acts of the 1960’s, and who lost the 2000 election as confirmed by a second recount of Florida votes by the “Miami Herald” and a consortium of major news organizations and the ruling by the U.S. Civil Rights Commission that blacks were not denied the right to vote?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

17. What Party is against school vouchers, against school prayers, and takes the black vote for granted without ever acknowledging their racist past or apologizing for trying to expand slavery, lynching blacks and passing the Black Codes and Jim Crow laws that caused great harm to blacks?
            [ ] a. Republican Party
            [ ] b. Democratic Party

 From the National Black Republican Association website.

It's a Draw

The media are rallying around their boy and declaring it a draw. Of course all Obama had to do last night was not start crying for the water boys in the media to make this declaration. The first debate was such a complete surprise for everyone in the media that they were caught -- on film -- reacting (dare I say it?) honestly. Last night was the expected show of determined, yet undoubtedly white-knuckled, support for the president. Prayers were being whispered in newsrooms all across the country. "Please, dear God, don't let him screw this up so badly that we can't save it for him."

There are no atheists in foxholes. And last night was war on the frontline.

But I kept thinking about this cartoon.

"eeeeeeeeaaaahhh....shaddup!"

While Romney did miss a few obvious openings to what could have been devastating attacks, most notably the Benghazi coverup/screwup, he consistently made his points on the economy and his vision, while Obama just shook his widdle fists and made threats. If we, as the audience, didn't know that Obama was already president, it would have been difficult to glean who was the incumbent and who was the challenger. Obama talked about what he would do if elected, he talked about what Clinton did, he threatened us with what Romney might do, but he never talked about what he HAS DONE.

I kept thinking about this, too.

This debate can only be described as a draw in that it was not as brutally decisive as the first. And the polls over the next few days may well indicate that to the American people it was a win for Romney. There is only so much the media can do when their boy is without his teleprompter. Even the hefty Candy Crowley couldn't pull him completely over the finish line. She did her best, dragging him away from the Benghazi debacle, but it left her panting and uncomfortable -- and exposed. 

The brilliant Victor Davis Hanson agrees with me. 

A DRAW, OR BETTER THAN A DRAW?

I think the debate was a draw, and so Romney’s ascendance may well continue. Obama did better than in Denver and will energize his base by his competitiveness, but not better to the degree that he arrests Romney’s momentum or wins back independents. Next-day reflection, fact-checking, and selecta-quotes, as in the case of the VP debate, may well favor the Republican. Romney did well despite once again being given less talk time, an inept moderator, and a silly town-hall forum. 

The biggest losers? The pathetic staged town-hall format: The questions are preselected and the questioners not spontaneous and often clumsy. They seemed unenthusiastic and their presence impeded a fuller exchange of views 

Ms. Crowley was out of bounds by selectively attempting to offer real-time fact-checking — endorsed by Obama (“Say that a little louder, Candy!”) — and fact-checking, no less, that was not quite factual. Nemesis struck when, in the middle of her clumsy attempts to offer a lifeline to a stumbling Obama on Libya, she had a deer-in-the-headlights look and an exasperated stutter, almost as if to say, “Why am I giving myself away?” 

Final verdict: Again, I think polls and post-debate focus and reflection will suggest Romney did better than the immediate consensus of a draw. (emphasis mine.)

Radical Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam.

I, personally, am terrified every time the "radical" church ladies leave a Watchtower pamphlet at my door. They are planning to kill me, I just know it.

What isn't funny is that people as stupid as Rosie O'Donnell have a platform like The View on which to spout such nonsense and the audience (stupid squared) applaud. You can almost feel their congratulatory self-righteousness. I wouldn't be surprised if they shared satisfied glances among themselves as they furiously clapped their approval of such hideous stupidity, thinking themselves so very, very clever and intelligent and tolerant.

But while they smack their little hands together in support of equating "radical" Christianity with radical Islam, there are real women who know the difference. Because it kills them.

Canada: Mother has throat slit to spine for wanting kids raised as Westerners

Throat slashed to her spine... 

Wife and mother Randjida Khairi wanted her children to be essentially raised like all the other children in her adopted nation of Canada. 

But for taking a stand contrary to her staunchly Islamic and Afghanistan-born husband, Peer Khairi, Randjida was found by Canadian police with her throat slashed wide-open, as well as her neck muscles, esophagus and voice box slashed open to the spine. 

Unable to raise her head or scream for help, the victim slowly suffocated in her own blood. 

According to testimony, "a process a pathologist would later determine took between five and 10 minutes."

Yes, kittens. Radical Christianity is as dangerous as radical Islam. Rosie O'Donnell said so.

Not on your life.

Stupid and School Have the Same Number of Letters

Unfortunately, they often mean the same thing.

H/T: ReasonTV

The Generation Gap is Widening

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Or "You didn't build that."

You needed government help for everything.  And now I believe I'll just help myself to your profits...

Every single one of you needs to pop over to Betsy's Page and read this post.  She's got Krauthammer and Sowell and Klein...It is filled with quotes like this from Krauthammer:

Absurd. We don’t credit the Swiss postal service with the Special Theory of Relativity because it transmitted Einstein’s manuscript to the Annalen der Physik. Everyone drives the roads, goes to school, uses the mails. So did Steve Jobs. Yet only he created the Mac and the iPad.

Obama’s infrastructure argument is easily refuted by what is essentially a controlled social experiment. Roads and schools are the constant. What’s variable is the energy, enterprise, risk-taking, hard work and genius of the individual. It is therefore precisely those individual characteristics, not the communal utilities, that account for the different outcomes.

And this from Sowell:

People who run businesses are benefitting from things paid for by others? Since when are people in business, or high-income earners in general, exempt from paying taxes like everybody else?

At a time when a small fraction of high-income taxpayers pay the vast majority of all the taxes collected, it is sheer chutzpah to depict high-income earners as somehow being subsidized by "the rest of us," whether in paying for the building of roads or the educating of the young.

Go read it all now. 

Mugging Maugham

The news lately has been filled with democracy-killing union-busting, horrifyingly out of control state budgets, and the deplorable quality of service the taxpayer receives for his hard-earned dollars. This is depressing and I think it's important to look on the bright side, if only once in awhile.

High school English teachers from across the country have submitted the best of the best from their creative writing students, highlighting the outstanding teaching they've done with their young charges. It's inspiring.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with a wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Word Problems Are Stupid

I never got word problems in math. I could do trig, calculus, but start asking me how long it would take for two trains to meet, with one going 80 miles per hour and having to travel X number of miles while the other was going X miles per hour and needed to travel 120 miles...my answer was always, "How the eff should I know? I never travel on trains."

As a Pleiadian, I travel by space ship and there's no point in asking how long it will take. The answer is always, "Less than one second."